Yes! Wait, maybe. I mean… not right now?
Yes! Yes! I will marry you!
Usually (hopefully) that follows a proposal. A couple becomes engaged, sets a date for the wedding, and then spends the next several months in blissful agony planning the best day of their lives – the wedding of their dreams! So romantic. At least, that’s what I’ve heard. I am not married.
Technically, I am engaged. Mr. T and I have been engaged for going on 4 years. It’s a technicality, though. There is no wedding in sight. No venue. No decorator. No registry. No flowers. No dress. No anticipation. No desire. None of it. Just thinking about a wedding exhausts me – and the cost? No, thank you.
Here’s my secret. I don’t really want a wedding. Truth be told, I don’t feel the need for a legal, formal marriage or the paper that comes with it. I have always shied away from convention. Generally, I don’t like to do what I am supposed to do or what is expected of me just for the sake of it.
Hence, unmarried and quite happy about it!
I wasn’t that little girl who dreamed of her wedding day. I don’t recall ever thinking about it – never planning it or fantasizing about it. It just didn’t occupy my thoughts.
I don’t believe that having a wedding and being married will strengthen our relationship. We publicly profess our love and commitment to each other everyday. We live together, file taxes together, raise our son together, own a house together, pay our bills together, vacation together (wait, what’s that?). We share our lives with one another. We share everything with one another.
We know that neither of us is going anywhere. In the eyes of the law, we are each other’s spouse. He calls me his wife. Sometimes, I call him my hubs. I wish we had more fitting titles. Titles with the strength of husband and wife without the assumption of marriage. It bothers me that there is no title that honours the depth of our relationship.
Right now, I can’t find a really good reason to have a wedding. At this point in our lives and our relationship, I don’t see how it would enhance anything.
For now instead of living in yes, we are living in maybe someday. Not right now.
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This post is my final installment for Momalom’s Five for Ten. The topic is Yes!
May 18th, 2010 at 8:54 am
I always felt the same way, Sarah. I never dreamed of my Big Day as a little girl, either. And I definitely don’t think that a piece of paper makes any difference. Hubby and I got engaged when J was only 2… Four years later we still weren’t married. Life just happened, there were bills to pay. We lived in a different province than both of our families. It seemed like too much WORK.
Then, 5 years after the first proposal, Hubby bought me another ring and a wedding package in Niagara Falls. He proposed all over again, and we got married six months later. We only had 12 guests. It was perfect! The ceremony really did mean a lot to me, and doing it in front of only our very closest friends and family meant even more.
If being unmarried works for the two of you, that’s the main thing. Why fix it if it ain’t broken, right?! But the Title thing always bothered me, too. He wasn’t my Boyfriend! I used hubby a lot. It was just easier.
May 19th, 2010 at 10:50 am
Life just happened, there were bills to pay. I can relate to that – we have other things to occupy our time, thoughts… and to spend our money on. It’s just not a priority.
We need to make a word that works. Maybe, I’ll just use spouse.
May 18th, 2010 at 9:07 am
If and when the time comes, you will say yes…and you will say it without hesitation. Sometimes maybe is better until a definite yes or no is determined. You sound very happy just the way you are and that is what matters.
May 18th, 2010 at 9:17 am
My dad and step mother didn’t decide to tie the not until they were together for more than 15 years. Never once did we question their commitment to one another. When they decided to do it it was right for them, not what others expected of them. For me it was important, not because I dreamed of a big frilly wedding (my dress for example only cost $200), but because I wanted to say the words before God. That meant something to me. The point is, the relationships we choose to have need to be defined by us, not others. In the end that’s what really matters.
May 19th, 2010 at 10:52 am
Exactly! We define our relationship. We don’t doubt the strength of our bond, if others do, well… whose problem is that?
May 18th, 2010 at 10:03 am
I dreamed of the big day when I was little and it turned out to be absolutely beautiful but it was a HUGE pain in the tush and wallet to plan and pay for. Now, looking back, I needed a lot less than I thought.
If the time is right, when the time is right, you can say yes to a wedding but you have already said yes to the hard part – the commitment, the family, the house. You have already said yes to the love. I think Christine said it well – you have defined your relationshipas a YES. You do not need others to make it official!
Great Post!
May 19th, 2010 at 11:22 pm
You’re right. We are living in YES!
May 18th, 2010 at 2:04 pm
Everyone has their own version of happily ever after and if that means that your happily ever after does not include marriage so be it. You don’t have to say maybe to getting married, all you have to say is YES! I’m living my happily ever after!
May 18th, 2010 at 2:27 pm
I agree with you. As a little girl I always dreamed of planning my wedding. And then when the actual time came, I dreaded it. It was sweet, but ultimately uneccesary. When/if you guys decide to do it, I’m sure it will be wonderful!
May 18th, 2010 at 2:33 pm
The wedding is much less important than the relationship. Whether it be a marriage, partnership, whatever. A ceremony or piece of paper doesn’t change how you feel about your significant other. Ever.
I know so many in your situation. Happily involved/partnered/whatever you want to call it, but with no plans to marry who are so much more stable than someone who made it official.
It’s such a matter of preference, and as long as you are happy and secure, you are making the best choice for you.
For what it’s worth, I never dreamed of a big wedding either.
May 19th, 2010 at 11:29 pm
Yes, I know some couple who’ve made it official who are less stable that we are. I think the perception is, though, that their relationship is more authentic somehow. That’s ok with me, though.
May 18th, 2010 at 3:28 pm
I didn’t day dream about my wedding either. I day dreamed about my future husband, but that’s about it. (I thought that finding a good guy was WAY more important than a wedding.)
Frankly, if I was forced to do a big wedding I probably would have passed. That is too much pressure. So, when the time came, had a very small wedding. It was perfect for me and my husband. (Maybe not perfect for his family but that is another story.)
Weddings are often connected to fairy tale endings. It really bothers me. There is no such thing as a fairy tale ending. But there is such a thing as a couple that is perfect for each other. I think that accurately represents you and your partner.
Screw conventions. : )
May 19th, 2010 at 10:48 am
Screw conventions!
That made my day!
May 18th, 2010 at 4:34 pm
What a refreshing way to view relationships. It sounds like this is perfect for you. I’m a huge supporter of whatever works, and for you this is working!
May 18th, 2010 at 4:46 pm
Hi Sarah, great post.
My husband and I were together for 9 years before we tied the knot. I never fantasized about wearing a white dress and couldn’t get excited about planning a wedding with all the details and stress. People asked when we were going to take the plunge and each year, the questions came less and less. Then, I had planned to go on a big trip with my mom and we talked about how cool it would be to get married in Rome. So, we did just that. We let a handful of people know. Those who wanted to came along (a party of 12 — totally manageable). To this day, we look back with fondness that we did it our way.
Great to meet you through 5-4-10.
May 18th, 2010 at 8:33 pm
I give you so much credit for not having a wedding just for the sake of it, you know? That’s really incredible, to be so comfortable and secure in your love. If it works for you, that’s all that should matter
May 19th, 2010 at 11:05 am
Thanks, Corinne! I never really though about it that way…
May 18th, 2010 at 9:43 pm
As you know from one of my posts, I think the relationship is so much bigger than the ceremony and paper. You both are on the same page and that’s all that matters. You said yes, just not with the hooplah surrounding it!
May 19th, 2010 at 11:06 am
Yes, I remember that post. I guess we did say yes without the hooplah!
May 19th, 2010 at 12:08 am
Hi Sarah, Nice to meet you in this five-for-ten carnival. Your non-married status reminded me of my sister-in-law and brother-in-law who were equally disinclined to be married. I think they thought it would somehow jinx the fantastic relationship they had.
After eighteen years they up and snuck off and got married, no party, no dress-up stuff, and then everything just went on being just exactly as it had been—nothing seemed to change for them or any of us.
Love is love and it sounds like you guys do.
May 19th, 2010 at 11:26 pm
I’m so glad you came by. Five for Ten was such a great way to connect with more people!
Yeah, I don’t see how it would change anything. Like I said, maybe someday… 18 years sounds good!
May 19th, 2010 at 11:47 am
Love the post.
I’ve been dating my gf for four years now, and whenever she laments on the fact that I have yet to propose, and that there is not really a word that describes our relationship (more than merely “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” but not yet fiancee), I simply say that I’m her “Beyonce” – boyfriend/fiancee.
May 19th, 2010 at 12:34 pm
I think it is great that you are pursuing an unconventional route. I’ve done everything by the “rules”, partly because of me and my conservative Asian upbringing. It’s liberating to live out of the box. And most importantly it is your life and you can choose to do what brings the most happiness for you and yours.
May 19th, 2010 at 10:19 pm
Your maybe is a YES, you know. It’s yes to what you want, what you feel, what’s important to you, and what’s not. You are saying yes to life on your terms and living whatever truth makes you happiest and healthiest. That’s a good yes!
May 19th, 2010 at 11:25 pm
You know… you are right. Life on my terms. I like that. A lot.
May 20th, 2010 at 12:31 pm
Oh my god – YES!
We’re in the same boat, sans engagement. Wedding/engagement nowhere in sight, which is fine by us. Like you, we already do all of the things that married people do, including legal/financial.
And I so hear you on this: ” I wish we had more fitting titles. Titles with the strength of husband and wife without the assumption of marriage. It bothers me that there is no title that honours the depth of our relationship.”
I HATE having to call him my boyfriend. So high school and so does not represent the commitment we share.
We would like a wedding someday. Maybe. Actually, that answer differs on any given day. But I really wish there was something we could call each other that would be a more accurate depiction of how we truly feel, of what we truly are to each other.
May 20th, 2010 at 12:41 pm
We should just make up a word and start using it.
As for our engagement? Total technicality. There wasn’t really a proposal or agonizing over a ring. It was really void of any romance. Truth be told, I wanted to know that he could/would utter the words – that he could articulate the desire to spend his life with me before we decided to have kids. A month after that, I was pregnant with Q. I wear my grandmother’s antique engagement ring that we got resized.
May 20th, 2010 at 3:18 pm
Well, you’ve just described me. And my relationship. Maybe someday when we’re older and greyer we’ll decide to get married. But there won’t be a wedding. Not the kind that takes thinking and planning. Not the kind that means dresses and gift registries and table numbers. Nope. And if you do invent a word for spouse that doesn’t require a marriage certificate, let me know!
May 20th, 2010 at 5:29 pm
Hmm… I’m not sure I’d be opposed to a gift registry, though…
May 20th, 2010 at 5:24 pm
The thought of having a wedding makes me want to cry. Not happy tears. The baby daddy and I are engaged (and have been since 3 weeks before we found out about baby…) but there’s no wedding currently on the agenda.
May 21st, 2010 at 8:00 pm
You are living in YES, though. The most important YES.
YES to each other.
May 22nd, 2010 at 3:07 pm
Good for you for saying yes to each other without feeling the need to say yes to other people’s definitions of “committed relationship.”
Your story reminds me of my uncle and aunt. They were together for decades when it came out that they had gone off one day and gotten married. They did it for the purposes of sharing healthcare benefits (a not totally uncommon occurrence in the States at one point) and didn’t bother telling anyone because it didn’t change the way they saw themselves or each other. Their attitude is my attitude: if you are happy, who cares what you call it?
May 25th, 2010 at 7:11 am
Happily married. X 13 years. And still I am all for finding new words to describe our commitment to one another: husband seems foolish and trite, anyone can marry, it takes commitment to truly make a relationship work. Often I describe him as my partner, a but then people mistakenly believe I am gay or in business with him. Gawh!
Anyway, your maybe is YES, as in committed all the way!!