Today as I was driving, I tuned into the easy listening station. You know, the one that starts playing Christmas songs at the beginning of November. I turn to it every once in awhile with the hopes of catching a song from my youth. Today, I was not disappointed. Lo and behold, after the commercial about the monster truck rally, Kenny Loggins’ Footloose came on.

Immediately, I was taken back to a childhood friend’s home. We were jumping on the trampoline screaming “burning urine” at the top of our lungs. As I listened, I wondered why her mother never corrected us. Suddenly, it dawned on me that she probably never knew of the misheard lyric. She wasn’t there. She didn’t watch us as we risked life and limb on the trampoline, except from the kitchen window…maybe…if she felt so inclined.

She also wasn’t there when my friend and I explored the pastures, dodging cow pies and the animals that produced them. One time, we wandered all the way to the highway and no one ever knew but us. We climbed trees and swung from ropes in the hay mow in the barn. We cuddled filthy kittens and crawled through chicken poop on the hay bales. It was wonderful and pure and unadulterated fun.

Over the past couple of months, I’ve been involved in quite a few conversations about free range parenting versus helicopter parenting. One thing that has emerged from those conversations is the realization that my fondest, most vivid childhood memories don’t include my parents. Instead, they are filled with the faces and voices and enthusiasm of my friends and my brother and my cousins – my peers and the ever-so-cool kids who were just a little bit older. Those are the memories triggered by songs and smells and conversations about parenting philosophies.

So, where were my parents? They were there. If I look hard enough, I see them looking through windows and peeking behind doors. They are driving us to camps and friends’ houses and events and lessons. They are cheering us on and grinning goofily as I take my first steps. They are behind the camera and waiting in the car. They are signing permission slips and shelling out money. They are excited and petrified as they wave goodbye. Every time.

They made the memories possible. They provided the opportunities for me to create those memories of rolling pastures and Kenny Loggins. They let me live and play…unadulterated.

Where does this leave me? With a little more clarity of purpose. It is my job to weave myself into the fabric of my children’s lives. My beliefs, opinions, perspectives, and ways of living will shape my kids. My parenting will teach them the ways of this world and how to live within it. I need to be the yarn with which memories are woven without making every memory about me.

As a parent, it’s my job to lay the foundation and help guide the building process. I need to always be there for them without always being with them.

I give a lot of credit to my parents for being able to raise my brother and me the way they did. I have realized so much about my own childhood since Q was born. We feel so much pressure to always be doing; it takes strength to just let our children be.

It’s not about me. If when my kids look back on their childhoods and their fondest memories are of them playing and exploring with their peers, I will consider that a success.

It is a little know fact, even among those close to me, that I have hypermobility syndrome (HMS). I don’t talk about at all and I am sure that people who know me will be surprised to hear that I have it. It isn’t something I ever thought I would share on my blog, but my pregnancy has forced me to put it out there in the hopes of connecting with others who are also affected by HMS. I need support and I need some coping strategies as I move further along in my pregnancy and get heavier.

The easiest way for me to describe HMS without falling into the ‘double-jointed’ misnomer is that it’s a connective tissue disorder that causes my ligaments to be stretchy.  Basically, my connective tissue doesn’t offer enough support to my joints, leaving my muscles to pick up the slack.  Each case of HMS is different and different joints are affected.  In my case, my major problem areas are my hips, wrists, elbows, shoulders, rib cage, and back.  The result is pain in and around my joints as my muscles compensate for my ligaments.  The harder they work, the more pain I feel.

I don’t talk about my condition for a variety of reasons.  First, I don’t think it’s a big deal; I have adapted my lifestyle to accommodate it.  I know my limits and I have effectively managed my pain for as long as I can remember.  I avoid activities like yoga and pilates, while focusing on strengthening my muscles so they can pick up the slack and keep me stable.  Secondly, there are a lot of people who are far worse off than I am. I don’t complain; I just deal with it.  Lastly, I don’t want sympathy, special treatment, or for people to question my ability. I do what I can and I live my normal.

Unfortunately, HMS can complicate pregnancy and this time it has for me. Not only do I have a lot of pain in my hips and pelvic area, my ligaments are not holding up my belly, so my abdominal muscles have to compensate more and more as I get heavier.  I can only speculate why it’s worse this time; every pregnancy is different.  This time, however, I am chasing around a two year old.  I am constantly bending down and picking things up off the floor.  And, I am lifting and carrying around a 28+ pound toddler all day, everyday.  It all has taken it’s toll and as my pregnancy progresses, the pain gets worse.

The belly pain came first and early.  When it did, I searched online for information, explanation, and any indication that this was normal for those of us with HMS.  The information out there is limited and has left me feeling a little isolated.  I see women seemingly unaffected by pregnancy – carting around many kids, working, working out, doing yoga, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping without leaning on the cart for support, and doing everything that they would do if they didn’t have a being growing inside them.  I marvel at how refreshed they appear and have to remind myself that I am not those women.  I have to remind myself that the farther along I get in my pregnancy, the harder it will become to function.  I have to prepare myself for that and not compare myself to others. I am not a failure because I have trouble maintaining my house, or carrying a basket of laundry up the stairs, or repeatedly bending over to unload the dishwasher.

I am not writing this for sympathy, but with the hope that maybe another woman who is struggling can know she’s not alone – that she can find me and let me know that I am not alone.  That I am not a failure.  That I can’t do it all right now and that it’s alright.

I know I need to manage my expectations, take it easy, and set my priorities.  I know that if I pick up all the toys with Q before he goes to bed, that it will cut into the time I can sit on his floor at bedtime and read books and rock him gently. I know that if I go out in the morning, I will need to take a nap in the afternoon. The pressure to do it all is palpable. Although, I am good at not doing things I can’t physically do, the guilt remains.  It sucks, but my children and my health have to come first.

I have managed to find a few ways to ease the pain:

1. Baths: Buoyancy is a wonderful thing.
2. Maternity support belt: I recently got a support belt that is great for walking and standing.  It lifts my belly and takes the pressure off my muscles and my back.
3. Body pillow or pillow wedge. Though sometimes uncomfortable and annoying, they support my belly when I am asleep. A pillow between my knees also helps take the pressure off my hips.
4. No heels. This might seem like a given, but it makes a huge difference with balance and hip placement.
5. Clothing: Sweater-dresses and leggings have saved me.  Also, over-the-belly maternity pants offer just a little extra support and don’t cut into my pelvic area like waistbands do.

Aside from those, I am at a loss. I am always open to ways to make myself more comfortable. Suggestions welcome!

Thank you.

How did you get comfortable when you were pregnant?
Do you have any ideas or suggestions for me to ease the pain?
Do you know of any online resources about HMS and pregnancy that I may have missed?