For a long time, I have been contemplating this blog – its content, its purpose, my reasons for writing it, what direction I want to take it in, whether I should just shut the whole thing down and move on.

It hasn’t really occupied my thoughts, though; it pops into my consciousness now and again, waving wildly, squeaking “remember me?! remember me?!” I remember. I contemplate. I move on.

Then, an unexpected thing happened; I was inspired to blog like it’s 2006 – when I didn’t care about content or stats or readership or sponsors or any of the things bloggers stress about nowadays. I’m not interested in all that noise. I am relieving myself of all the pressure. With that, I am not going to agonize over my writing and simply type as it flows. Back to basics, my friends. Back to basics.

So, why do I blog? I could say it’s to write – an outlet – but, I could do that in a journal. So, why a public forum?

In all my contemplating, I’ve realized that I want people to read it. I want to share my thoughts, opinions, knowledge, beliefs, perspectives with whomever will take the time to read them. More than that, though, I want my kids to have a written account of my perspective on things. Whether I am in this world with them or not, I want them to know what is important to me. I won’t journal for them. That much I know. I also know that if I am writing the content with them in mind, it will be my complete truth. My clear perspective.

So, here I sit with a new design (that I did all by myself) and a new vision. I will write when I feel like it about whatever inspires me. Screw niches.

What has currently inspired me is the 30 Day Blog Challenge that I saw on Domesticated Momma’s blog. Ambitious? Yes. But, I figure if I’m going to do this, I might as well jump in with both feet.

This is what it will entail. And, I’ll tell you at the outset that my 30 days will not be consecutive. You know, this might provide me with a year’s worth of content!

Each (but not every) day, I will be writing a post about one of the following topics:

1. Current Relationship
2. Where would I like to be in 10 years
3. Top 5 Pet Peeves
4. Views on Religion
5. Favourite Comfort Foods & Why
6. Zodiac Sign and Does It Fit?
7. Favourite Childhood Toys
8. A moment you felt most satisfied in your life.
9. If you would have any job in the world what would it be?
10. Your guilty pleasures
11. Put your iPod on shuffle and write first 10 songs that pop up.
12. Bullet your whole day
13. Somewhere you would like to move/visit.
14. Earliest Memory
15. Write 15 interesting facts about yourself
16. Your views on mainstream music
17. Your highs and lows this last year
18. A book you could read over and over and never get sick of
19. Your biggest regret in life
20. How important you think education is
21. One of your favourite TV Shows
22. How have you changed the past 2 years
23. Post 3 pics of famous people you find attractive
24. Your favourite Movie & What its about.
25. Someone who fascinates you and why
26. If you had $1,000,000 to spend how would you spend it?
27. A problem you have or have had in the past.
28. Something that you miss
29. List 10 people dead or alive you would invite to dinner , include the menu.
30. Goals for the next 30 days!

I can hear you laughing. Challenge is right!

I might start tomorrow.

This might be the most honest post I’ve ever written – mostly because at this point, I have no intention of publishing it (or maybe I do intend to, but the idea that I won’t frees me up to be raw).

The reality of my blog is that it scares me. It doesn’t scare me in the the way fish scare me, or the way I am afraid when Q leaves the house; the exposure it tempts scares me.

I want it to be perfect and I want my writing to be quality. That stifles me. A lot. I don’t fancy myself a writer and never have. But now, I have this blog and I have suddenly been thrust into that category by many; that label, though an honour, unnerves me.

I like to write funny posts and, sometimes, I think I should write more. They are fun to write and people seem to enjoy them. But, that isn’t where my head is most of the time. My head is always processing and wondering and considering and questioning. I constantly think about things that many people don’t seem to consider – the imperfection of the construct of time, how humans are conditioned to believe things that don’t really make sense when examined closely, why people act the way they do and say the things they say.

I think a lot about quantum level theories, religion & spirituality, social structures & standards, and identity politics – much of which never sees the light of pixel. Deep stuff. Different stuff. Stuff that makes some people uncomfortable because it challenges what they have been taught to believe, what they have chosen to believe, or what they have taken for granted to be absolute truth.

I believe that I give power to what I put out there; what I choose to write reflects who I am. That said, I like to keep my blog positive. I rarely complain or write about negative things because I don’t want to give them power. Those experiences and thoughts don’t deserve my time, attention, or the immortality that the internet offers. With that, I stifle myself further, which has resulted in this impasse, rut, or block that I am currently facing.

Much of it is self-imposed. All of it, I suppose.

I am a blogger and I:

• am afraid to expose myself

• am unnerved by the title writer

• don’t write about the things that preoccupy my mind

• refuse to dignify negative thoughts, feelings, and experiences.

That doesn’t sound like a recipe for a great blogger or writer. So, here I sit pondering the future of this public forum and questioning it’s role in my life. Don’t get me wrong, I want to share and I want to discuss. However, at this point I am not sure what to share or how.

I know my blog has been neglected and superficial for a few months now. I am trying to find my voice, my focus, and my desire to continue. I haven’t given up, though. Not yet. Whenever I think I might, I think of this and I can’t help but think I still have something to offer.