Dear Evolutionary Process,

Teething is a design flaw.  When you have a free minute, I implore you to review it and consider some changes.  As  much as I can appreciate the value of teeth and the role they have played in survival of the fittest, I fail to see the benefit of subjecting babies to the pain of 20 hard, sharp objects cutting through their tender gums during the first 2 years of life.

I’m not sure that babies being born with teeth is the answer, but I am sure that with your infinite creativity, you can come up with something that I cannot even imagine.  However, if you decide that being born with teeth is the best option, I have some humble recommendations for you to consider:

• please have the in utero teething process painless (c’mon, I know you can do that).
• please consider our nipples. I am sure that mothers to come would appreciate a little extra protection, or decreased sensitivity, or something, if they will be nursing newborns with teeth.

I regret having to point out a flaw in our design, but I trust you will consider my humble request for the sake of infants yet to come.

Thank you for your time (and other things – like, opposing thumbs and bipedalism)

Sincerely,
Sarah