Tag Archives: momalom

Yes! Wait, maybe. I mean… not right now?

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Yes! Yes! I will marry you!

Usually (hopefully) that follows a proposal.  A couple becomes engaged, sets a date for the wedding, and then spends the next several months in blissful agony planning the best day of their lives – the wedding of their dreams!  So romantic.  At least, that’s what I’ve heard.  I am not married.

Technically, I am engaged.  Mr. T and I have been engaged for going on 4 years.  It’s a technicality, though.  There is no wedding in sight.  No venue.  No decorator.  No registry.  No flowers.  No dress.  No anticipation.  No desire.  None of it.  Just thinking about a wedding exhausts me – and the cost? No, thank you.

Here’s my secret.  I don’t really want a wedding.  Truth be told, I don’t feel the need for a legal, formal marriage or the paper that comes with it.  I have always shied away from convention.  Generally, I don’t like to do what I am supposed to do or what is expected of me just for the sake of it.

Hence, unmarried and quite happy about it!

I wasn’t that little girl who dreamed of her wedding day.  I don’t recall ever thinking about it – never planning it or fantasizing about it.  It just didn’t occupy my thoughts.

I don’t believe that having a wedding and being married will strengthen our relationship.  We publicly profess our love and commitment to each other everyday.  We live together, file taxes together, raise our son together, own a house together, pay our bills together, vacation together (wait, what’s that?).  We share our lives with one another.  We share everything with one another.

We know that neither of us is going anywhere.  In the eyes of the law, we are each other’s spouse.  He calls me his wife.  Sometimes, I call him my hubs. I wish we had more fitting titles.  Titles with the strength of husband and wife without the assumption of marriage.  It bothers me that there is no title that honours the depth of our relationship.

Right now, I can’t find a really good reason to have a wedding.  At this point in our lives and our relationship, I don’t see how it would enhance anything.

For now instead of living in yes, we are living in maybe someday.  Not right now.

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This post is my final installment for Momalom’s Five for Ten. The topic is Yes!

Memories

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Memories.  Some memories are comforting, while others evoke a visceral reaction.  Everything I know, everything I feel, and everything I believe at this very moment is linked to a memory.

Memories are powerful.  We replay some and repress some.  We try to forget some, while desperately trying to hold onto others.

Good or bad, experiences turn into memories and they shape us – our growth, our attitudes, our behaviour.  Who we love.  What we love.  Why we love who we love… all boils down to memory.

As I’ve been thinking about memories, so many have flooded into the forefront of my mind.  Childhood memories, high school memories, memories of travels and multiple moves.

When I think back on the times in my life and access my memories, I realize that every phase was the best of times and the worst of times (a la The Tale of Two Cities).   I hold on fiercely to the best of times, although I know that the worst of times has shaped me beyond measure.  I accept that.  I know that.  I visit those memories and evaluate how they affect me – how the experience that created them influenced who I am at this very moment.

The other day, I was jarred by picture that triggered a memory.  Not a happy memory.  Not a memory I ever choose to recollect.  Yet, there it was staring me in the face – tempting me to give it power and affect my mood and my state of mind.  I did and it did.

It amazes me that something so intangible, something contained in only my mind has so much power.  No one shares this memory with me; it is of my own creation – a product of an experience.  Those who shared that experience created their own memory of it, which has affected them in different ways (or not at all).

Memories are tricky because they are solely our creation, yet they wield so much power and influence everything we believe.  Amazing.  Scary.

Every time we remember, we judge ourselves again, we are guilty again, and we punish ourselves again, and again, and again. – don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements

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This post is my third installment for Momalom’s Five for Ten. The topic is Memory

A happy perspective

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I have been struggling to write about happiness.  Everything I come up with sounds so trite and simplistic.  And… I can’t get Happiness is a Warm Gun by the Beatles out of my head, which is not exactly the inspiration I was seeking.

After struggling for days to craft something inspiring, I started to wonder what the problem was.  What was holding me back and why is it so hard for me to write about happiness? I am a happy person!  Then it occurred to me that maybe that’s why I am having difficulty;  I don’t want to flaunt my happiness.  I don’t want to say Look at me! My life is awesome.  I have no complaints. Why?  I don’t think people want to hear that; people are struggling in their lives – they are unhappy and stressed and sad and lonely and in trouble.

Truth be told, I have reason to be all of those things, too.  But for me, it’s about perspective.  I have more reason to be happy than not and I choose to focus on that; it’s a conscious, active effort in my everyday.  I have the power to choose a happy perspective in my everyday life.

It’s not easy and I haven’t always done it.  I once was the bitter, resentful person who refused to let go of a grudge – weighing myself down with self-pity and projecting my pain onto other people in a futile attempt to protect myself from more pain.  That didn’t work for me.  Happiness provides me with more of a shield than any armour could.

I do my best not to complain – I look at the rain and appreciate the life it brings.  I look at the weeds and appreciate their perseverance.  It’s a choice and it is so liberating.  I haven’t mastered it – far from it.  But, I am getting there and am pleased that my happy moments outnumber my unhappy ones.

Sometimes, I need reminders to shift my perspective; they wait for me to notice them – in my son, in flowers, in bubbles, in photographs, in raindrops on a leaf, in music, in a little smile, or in a clever quote.

My life is happiness.  I don’t have to find it, I just need to chip away at the unhappiness and stress and let it in.  Let it take over.

I am a happy person.  I have moments of unhappiness, but I can’t complain about my life.  It is truly awesome and I am beyond blessed.

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This post is my second installment for Momalom’s Five for Ten. The topic is Happiness

A Lesson in Courage

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From May 10 – 19, I will be participating in Momalom‘s Five for Ten.  The next ten days will provide  an opportunity for bloggers to connect in a meaningful way by writing about the same topics and having discussions across a number of blogs.

I am really excited to participate (and you can too; just click the button for more details).  Courage is the first of five topics and I have written a Letter to Q.

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Dear Q,

Have the courage of your convictions. Remember that what you know to be true is more important than what you have been taught to believe.  Know your worth and have the courage to trust it.

This world will try to convince you of your inadequacy.  It will condition you to respond to and crave praise, validation, and recognition.   It wants you to conform to its expectations because that makes you more predictable and manageable.  It wields incredible power and seeks control.

You are powerful beyond measure.  You have the power of your self, your mind, and your feelings.  You have power over your reactions, your choices, and your expectations.

This world I know will teach you to believe that you need others to prove your worth and that you need others to define your success.  You hold that power.  You define your success; your worth is intrinsic.

Don’t be afraid of rejection.  It’s subjective and relative and never about you.  Choose courage.  Put yourself out there; follow your passions, your dreams and your heart.  Believe in the power of you and have the courage to be your best.

In Illusions, Richard Bach wrote “I am tired of clinging.  Though I cannot see it with my eyes, I trust that the current knows where it is going.”

What you are clinging to?  Why are you clinging?  Why are you afraid to let go?  Trust the current, for the current is your immeasurable power.  It will take you to your true desire if you have the courage to let it.  It will set you free if you believe in it.  It will give you peace if you release yourself from the fear of rejection.

Choose courage and allow your self the freedom to be.

Love always,
Mom