Earlier today, I hosted a pity-party for myself.  I do that.  The theme for today’s was my blog, specifically my perceived expectations of my readers and my current lack of inspiration.

I felt bound by my blog, bound to it, and bound by my own expectations of what the content should be, what I should write about, and what should inspire me.  I am not good with shoulds.  So, there I was – feeling restricted by my own perceptions, assumptions, and expectations.

As I was belly-aching on Twitter, I remembered a message I received from a friend a few months ago.  That switched my perspective immediately; I write this blog because I want to share my inspirations and, hopefully, inspire others. You.  My readers.

With the blessing of my friend, here is an excerpt of the message:

I’m writing you to let you know that I value you, that I think you are amazing, that you cannot know what an asset you are to this world.

I was reading your letters to Q and hopefully that what I learnt from you, I can take it back to my home and hopefully restore peace and love. Thank you Sarah for a better understanding of this world.

Beautiful.  Touching.  Humbling.

Perspective.  Always perspective.  Thank you, my beautiful friend (I know you are reading this) for giving me perspective and inspiring me to appreciate what I am doing and what I have done, instead of focusing on what I am not doing or what I should be doing.

Thank you all.

Dear Q,

In a momentary lapse of judgement, clarity . . .sanity, I surrendered my happiness to the expectations of someone else. Actually, it wasn’t even that person’s expectations that I surrendered to, but my assumption of what those expectations were.

There are many lessons to be learned from this about assumptions, expectations, happiness, and sacrifice.  I am going to focus on expectations.

In this world, there are few things more powerful than expectations. They govern our emotions, our actions, and our reactions.  If they are not met, we feel fear, anger, disappointment, frustration, sadness, and sometimes. . . relief.  When they are met, we feel elated, satisfied, happy, relieved, and sometimes. . . disappointed.  The emotional reaction is relative to the expectations.

Expectations are complicated and more powerful than this world would have you believe.  Society expects specific behaviour of people who belong to any given collective, including racial identity, gender identity, sex, ability status, economic status, education level, age, religion, etc.  Failure to meet these expectations is often met with fear and persecution.   The expectations form the box within which each person is (awkwardly) placed.  The boxes, built with expectations, are all labeled and neatly stacked with others that are presumably the same – in nice homogeneous stacks.  At least, that is what this would would have you believe.

Society also expects things of individuals.  Individuals expect things of individuals.  These expectations vary relative to the individual for whom they are created.  Parents have expectations of their children – from cleaning up, to getting married.  Teachers have expectations of their individual students.  Children have expectations of their parents and their teachers.  The general public has expectations of public figures, athletes, politicians, artists, musicians.  Bosses have expectations of their employees.  Employees have expectations of their bosses – respect, money.  Customers have expectations of service providers, etc.  The list is endless.

They say that money makes the world go ’round, but no one tells you that the structure that money flows within is built on expectations.  It’s deep and it’s complex and it’s powerful.

If this sounds confusing, that is because it is; it’s supposed to be.

Manage your expectations – check them.  Where do they come from?

Of whom do you expect things? Why?
Who expects things of you? Why?

Are your expectations reasonable? Are they just?  Assess your reactions to unmet expectations of other people.  Are they reasonable?  Are they just?

I will tell you that meeting expectations, or at least appearing to, is far easier than not.  It is difficult and sometimes dangerous to defy them – it can lead to jail, death, but also freedom.

We are bound by expectations.  They keep us in our boxes and make us safe and predictable.  But in so doing, they leave us crumpled, trapped, and gasping for air.

Be aware of what is expected of you.  As often as possible, manage the expectations others have of you as an individual.  Don’t imply that you will when you won’t.   Don’t suggest you won’t if you intend to.

If this seems daunting, it’s because it is.  Expectations are hard to navigate and this world will condition you to not even realise that they are there.

Be strong.  Be you.  Be free to seek your true happiness based on what you know to be true, not on what someone else expects you to believe.  Above all, be.

Love always,
Mom

There are a lot of things I should do, should be doing, should be thinking, should be feeling, and should be judging. There are things I should be drinking, should be eating, should be watching, should be saying, should be listening to.

The world I know has very specific standards and it has spent my entire lifetime conditioning me to aspire to these standards – and to feel guilty or inferior for not meeting them or worse, not aspiring to them.  More often than not, these standards conflict with what I know to be true.

Sometimes, I catch myself getting caught up in the shoulds of this world.  I have to check myself.  Why do I want to aspire to them?  What do I get out of it? Attention? Affection? Affirmation? That is all ego.

Negotiating this world is a challenge.  Sometimes, convenience trumps goodness.  Sometimes, the perceived importance of time trumps compassion.  Sometimes, ego trumps consciousness.  Sometimes… perhaps, most of the time.

As much as it likes to think it is, this world is not built for goodness, compassion, or consciousness.  We are too caught up in what we ‘should’ be doing to do what we should be doing, and to be who we are.

In Illusions, Richard Bach wrote “I am tired of clinging. Though I cannot see it with my eyes, I trust that the current knows where it is going.“  What am I clinging to?  Where would the current take me if I let go?  Dare I?