After reading Hand Wash Cold by Karen Maezen Miller, quite a few passages stuck with me. I have written about one of them before in Even monkeys can raise their young! In that post, I promised that I would dedicate more than one post to the book – posts by topic instead of one post about the book as a whole. This is the second installment.
The Kitchen: To Study Oneself Is to Forget Oneself, without a doubt, was the section of the book that inspired me the most. It gave me much needed perspective of my life and how I assign worth.
I literally stopped reading and just sat thinking for a long time after I came across this in chapter 14:
Each day I do the dirty work, the effort that attracts no notice but my own, and in this very place I find ordinary ingredients for genuine fulfillment.
It starts the moment my eyes open, as I rise with the sun to sort and stack the dishes, appreciating this simple task as the essential start to a healthy day. Chopping the blemished fruit for breakfast, savouring the taste of my own usefulness. Emptying full hampers without resentment or commentary.
I needed to find my way to that perspective. Domestic tasks have always been chores to me. I have always avoided doing dishes, doing laundry, vacuuming, dusting… cooking! I have dreaded doing all those things and haven’t found joy or fulfillment in any of them. Although I valued having a healthy home for myself and my family, I did not assign worth to the process. Quite the opposite. I resented it.
I have always been a fiercely independent woman. To a fault. I think a lot of women of my generation make that claim. We feel the need to assert our independence and prove our worth in this world. We have been taught that we don’t need someone else, especially a man, to take care of us. With that, I think that we have been conditioned to resent being expected to take care of a partner.
I had been clinging to my resentment believing that it empowered me – believing that it protected me from falling into antiquated gender roles and surrendering to social expectations. It did none of those things. The truth is that it owned me. It rendered me powerless and governed not only the state of my house, but the dynamics of my household. It was powerful.
By releasing my resentment, I allow myself the freedom to find pleasure in nourishing my family and providing a healthy environment for us. With the resentment gone, I can assign worth to the process and I can acknowledge the value and the power of my self.
I can now focus on savoring the taste of my usefulness and enjoying doing for those in my family – not only for their sakes, but for mine.
As so much with this book, this was a powerful message for me too. Although, in a slightly different way. I actually have always found peace in these roles, the cooking, cleaning and caring for my home. To the point that I relax into a sunny Saturday afternoon of cleaning. It feels good to me. But I assigned guilt to this feeling because it took me away from my family and I thought that I should be willing to give up this stuff in favour of “quality time” with the boys. But I realized in reading this book that this role is important too and models happiness to my children in a different, but equally meaningful way, as does sitting and putting together a puzzle. Neither is better than the other, but both are equally important. And so I’ve relaxed, and I take pleasure once again in these tasks, in how they keep grounded and help me to think and release stress.
Odd, I know!
Wow! Interesting how it spoke to us in completely different ways!
I wish I could de-stress from cleaning, that I found it calming. I just never have.
This is such an eye-opener. I hate chores, except cooking. In my mind they always take too much time, are boring, and really, there’s a million other things that I would rather be doing. But thinking of them as a way of providing to my family is so refreshing.
I think I need to read this book. So many people are raving about it.
It is definitely worth the read.
It’s still a process for me, but when I let go of the resentment, it became easier. Now, it’s just the better-things-to-do-thing. Seeing it as a means of providing for my family helps. Though, I need to constantly remind myself of that.
I thought of that passage shortly after I posted my last Bigger Picture Moment (about the lint fairy…) because it’s basically the same thing. Doing the dirty work without wanting to take the credit, and finding a bit of joy in it. Such an important lesson to learn.
Loved that book, so much. I think it’s one of those that needs to be reread at least once a year.
Yes! Your post is reminiscent of that entire chapter – succinctly and eloquently stated through lint and the sink dishes.
I think we all need to find that the little jobs we do around the house are not chores, but are good for the well being of our families. I Too hate doing the cleaning and stuff but do it because it has to get done. This definately puts a different spin on it, but I still think I’ll always have the “there are more fun things to do” mentality.
I love chores and cleaning if I am choosing to do them and if I have the time and space (not with a clinging toddler). I find cleaning to be very zen-like and energizing. I resent them if they pile up because nobody else is doing them. Or if I have to do a million things at one time.
Wow! I think I really need to read this book. “by releasing my resentment” I hate chores. I leave them to the last minute, but try to teach my children not too. I need to be a better role model. Thanks for posting on blogfrog so I could find your blog.