For months, I have been thinking about how reciprocity fits into online communities and living online. Recently, I’ve had a number of discussions on blogs and Twitter about what really boils down to the pressure of reciprocity. (Are my anthropology roots showing?)
In the context of anthropology, there are a few types of reciprocity. In my opinion, the one that best suits online interactions is called balanced reciprocity.
Balanced or Symmetrical reciprocity occurs when someone gives to someone else, expecting a fair and tangible return at some undefined future date. It is a very informal system of exchange. The expectation that the giver will be repaid is based on trust and social consequences
(I got this definition from wikipedia, but it is near identical to everything I found in my old textbooks – and easier to cite).
What is interesting about that definition is that it can apply to blog comments, Facebook friends requests, Twitter mentions, blogrolls, Twitter follows, Twitter listings, blog subscriptions, even emails. The interesting thing about it is that oftentimes, specifically with Twitter, the giver doesn’t know the receiver and may have never even interacted with that person.
Expectation is a powerful thing and the burden of obligation weighs heavy on our fingertips. It is a lot of pressure to keep up – to reciprocate.
I don’t believe that it is necessary to reciprocate everything. We need to cut ourselves some slack, be selective, and allow ourselves to have a balanced experience instead of getting caught up in balancing our experiences with others’.
It is important to me to read blog posts that speak to me and comment when I have something to say. I don’t like to leave empty comments any more than I like to get them. That said, I do feel the need to support blogs I read and bloggers I like.
As for Twitter, there is no need to only follow people who follow back. In fact, that is a good way to miss out on a lot of great information, inspiration, and perspective. If I find value in someone’s tweets who doesn’t find value in mine, that is ok; everyone is on Twitter for different reasons. It would be inefficient to follow everyone who follows me and I think it is unreasonable to expect everyone I follow to follow me back.
Reciprocity is vital to online communities and networking. Undoubtedly. However, reciprocating everything is inefficient, time-consuming, and unnecessary. Attaching too many strings to our online experience diminishes it. Online, our most valuable gifts are words; they are the currency. Let’s give and receive them freely.
Amen sister! Really, so very well said. Will I keep struggling with this? You bet. But you have some very important points. The challenge for me is when it moves outside of the “anonymity” of the online and starts developing into a relationship. It’s hard when they are primarily online, to really know the expectation. Expectations are natural, the form the foundation of a relationship (in both good and bad ways), but they also are the impetus for complications. Why can’t it be simple? Well because relationships aren’t simple, at least meaningful ones. That’s what makes us human. I’m learning that even the online can be complicated. In good ways and in bad. (Okay I could go on and on…I’ll stop here before I hijack your comments). Great post, thanks for starting the discussion. I’ll be back to read what others have to say.
Exactly. For me, it is really important to nurture the relationships that I have made. Those are the blogs and twitter people I go to first and focus on. It is important to me to support them, comment, retweet their posts, and cheer for them in my own little way. Does that create expectation? Of course it does. I agree. Like you said, it’s not always a bad thing.
Great post.
I agree totally. I do a lot of online stuff for work (my personal blog is just *fun* for me).
Maybe it’s because I’ve been doing it for awhile, but I have stopped worrying about numbers/commenters/stats. And it’s made my life so much easier.
I write when I want, and if someone comments or retweets, it’s great. But, I’m also okay when I just put it out there for me.
Definitely. I found that once I freed myself of my strategy – when to post, when to tweet it, what I should write about, everything seemed to fall into place.
I’ve been thinking about this too. And while I work hard to support blogs I enjoy, some days & weeks I can’t even do that. Sometimes I feel like leaving a comment is like peeing on a blog. I’m marking that I was there. I’m not sure if that’s helpful or not. I want to be a contributor but sometimes all I can say is wow. I also know that in the beginning even a ‘good post’ or ‘hi’ comment made me feel like I wasn’t talking to myself. I guess we all have to find our own way thru reciprosity. Thanks for tackling the topic.
Peeing on a blog! Ha! i am so going to stop at yours and say “Just stopping by to pee”
I think that if I have a relationship with someone – a blogger – I will find something meaningful to say just from reading the post. But the pressure of obligation is tough.
I was thinking about this last night as I was looking at my reader feed. There’s a blogger who sometimes gets several comments, but lately I’ve been the only commenter (like last 5 posts) but she hasn’t commented to me once in all the months I’ve been following her. It’s like pursuing an IRL relationship with someone who’s not that interested, it just sometimes takes a bit longer to realize it online. So what. The internet is a big place and both of us can find plenty of ways to spend our time there.
Having said that though, if a blogger usually gets dozens of comments I don’t expect reciprocity. I also don’t expect it on Twitter, people may send something off in the 10 seconds they’re at their screen and then have hundreds of tweets in their feed when they come back. It’s too much.
Love this… it’s all so true.
I recently took down my blogroll because I was not only feeling the whole reciprocity thing, but I was being asked to put people on… and that’s just… I don’t know. I have a hard time saying no but found myself wanting to. So I just took it down and it’s been freeing.
Blogrolls are so awkward. My was hopelessly outdated until the other day. Someone asked if I only put people on my blogroll that have me on theirs – that hadn’t even occurred to me.
With blogs it’s tricky. I don’t like to leave empty comments either, but I also want to tell the person “I was here and I enjoyed it”. Let’s face it, people might blog about something and post it “for themselves”, but really everyone loves to receive comments and know that other people are reading their words. I don’t comment on everything I read, and I try to make my comments real and meaningful. But sometimes there just isn’t enough time for that, and I never lie or say something just to be nice. If I didn’t like (or agree with, or connect with) the post, I either offer my own opinion or I just don’t say anything.
I don’t think people should feel they *have* to reciprocate. Don’t visit or comment on other blogs just because they commented on yours. It’s too much pressure. And way too time-consuming. Others shouldn’t expect it, and we shouldn’t expect it of ourselves. Visit who you like and comment when you want. If everyone worked that way it would be so much easier!
So true.
I got trapped in following everyone who followed me on Twitter at first too. It was so hard to keep up and I ended up not seeing the value in Twitter for a long time. Then I finally figured out lists. They saved my Twitter life.
I love my lists – live by them. I would be completely lost on Twitter without them (or at least I’d have to follow half the people I do)
I am at a point where I love comments even if they are “empty” but I can see if you get dozens of comments with each post, they might get old quickly. My rule of thumb on twitter is if people who choose to follow me’s short bio seems interesting, I follow them until they annoy me.
If they are a porn star or I already read enough about their “genre” then I don’t always give them a try.
Great topic. It is interesting to learn what others think.
Real comments never get old to me. But, sometimes people leave me comments and I can tell they didn’t read the post, or that they are just trying to find something to say b/c they feel they need to.
I would rather 10 people read my post and none comment than have 10 comments and only 1 or 2 who actually read it.
the irony here is that you left a note on my blog and i came here to see who you are…and am now leavign a note, not because of a feeling of “owing” you a comment, but because i really like what you have to say.
but the concept of reciprocity is likely what spurred me on to see who you were…interesting:)
i follow many people on twitter who do not follow me…and i do not follow anyone who does not offer something to me that is tangible and worthwhile. empty “adds” are meaningless for everyone and just leads to more noise…
in any case – i am very glad i reciprocated in this case;)
Reciprocity is a tricky thing. I found myself sometimes commenting as if someone was doing the roll call at homeroom. I’m here, I’m here! But as a new-ish blogger who’s trying to find a community, I felt the need to do what I could. Now that I’m somewhat comfortable in the space I’ve carved for myself here, I’ve relaxed on reciprocity, and only comment when I really have something to say, instead of just a lame, “great post!”
Like now.
Oh, btw, great post!
The concept of reciprocity online never occurred to me. I follow people whose tweets I value, and I don’t follow people whose tweets contain nothing of interest to me. I haven’t the faintest idea who is following me, or how many followers I have. Once in a while I go through my new followers and follow the ones whose tweets, bios and blogs/websites have content I enjoy, or that I want to share with my other followers. (the few I know about)
I do like to comment on blogs, (especially yours, because your posts always make me think!), but since I have yet to write my second blog post, it’s pretty hard for someone to reciprocate!
Argh, I struggle with this so much! I don’t feel like I can keep up. At all. Plus, I suck HARD at Twitter. I just don’t get it.
I try to comment on my favorite blogs once or twice a week, but any more than that and I’m swamped and bitter. I struggle so much with this. Luckily, I think most people understand that everyone has only so much time.
Just know that you’re not alone in your quest to find some balance!
Yeah, I think becoming bitter defeats the purpose of engaging in this community. I don’t think anyone would want you to feel that way. I really do think people understand that nobody can comment on everyone’s every post.
Twitter is awesome once you get the hang of it. It is like chatting in a bar or restaurant – joining conversations, having multiple conversations, choosing discussion, and sharing what others are saying. There is much to learn on there. Keep trying! It’s worth it.
I read this back when you originally posted it, but it’s really been more of an issue lately. But after recently becoming a bit more active in blogger communities, I’ve been feeling the pressure to follow people. I’m simultaneously looking for really good content to absorb and learn from, but the ones begging me to follow aren’t necessarily providing that (for me).
I’m not here to rack up a zillion followers who don’t care about what I have to say. If I have two people who read my blog and get something out of it, that’s far better than listing a jillion who don’t. Some people I “try out” for a while and they stick, others don’t. It’s not personal at all. I just wish everyone could be philosophical about it – or just not care how many followers they have.
The numbers games is tricky and a lot of people get caught up in it. Some blogs speak to you and resonate, and some just don’t. It’s so tough to have to navigate follow requests and expectations. You’re right – it’s a lot of pressure. The minute I considered getting rid of it all was when I decided that this blog and living online has to be for me. I have enough pressures in my physical world.