10 years from now…

This post’s 30 Day Blog Challenge topic: Where would I like to be in 10 years?

In ten years, I will have a teenager and a 10 year old. Seems impossible, but I know it will pass so quickly I’ll wonder where the time went.

Aside from everyone being older, I don’t expect much to be different ten years from now. I would like to be where I am now. Same house. Same great neighbourhood. I don’t wish to have anything ten years from now that I don’t have now. I have spent my entire life creating the life I am living and I, honestly, don’t want for anything.

Maybe, I’ll be working outside the home instead of freelancing, but, I don’t have terribly ambitious goals. I’m happy where I am right now and if this is where I am in ten years, I’ll be grateful.

Me & Mr. T

In case you missed it, I have committed to doing the 30 Day Blog Challenge.

This post’s topic: Current relationship

I will say, the current threw me for a second. I don’t think of Mr. T as current. He is relationship. Full stop.

I very rarely talk about Mr. T on my blog, by his request. The most depth I’ve gone into in about our relationship was about us not being married. I wrote that post a year and a half ago and nothing has changed with respect to the legal status of our relationship. We are unmarried spouses.

Mr. T and I keep to ourselves. We simply don’t talk about what is going on with us – good, bad, or ugly. So, writing a blog post about our relationship is awkward. It’s hard not only because he’s asked me not to talk much about him, but because it’s not something I, generally, talk about with other people. The person I talk to about my relationship with Mr. T, is Mr. T. That is the beauty of it. Both of us always know exactly where we stand. All the time. Sometimes, that’s not a comfortable place to be – but, as far as I’m concerned, it’s better than wondering and worrying. When something comes up, we address it. Then, it’s over. The process might get messy, but the end result is clarity.

Mr. T and I have been together for six years. From the first time I heard his voice, I knew he was special. Within six months of our first date, we were living together. Some things you just know.

We have our differences, and I suspect people who know us wonder why we chose each other. But, we’re more similar than we seem. When it comes to things that matter to us, Mr. T and I have always been on the same page. Values. Religion. Parenting. Spending. Politics. Social justice.

We are both passionate about what we hold true and neither of us shy away from expressing ourselves. To a fault, perhaps. Debates get heated, but feelings don’t get hurt. Even if people don’t get us, we understand each other.

We love each other. We love our children. Fiercely.

 

Everything old is new again

For a long time, I have been contemplating this blog – its content, its purpose, my reasons for writing it, what direction I want to take it in, whether I should just shut the whole thing down and move on.

It hasn’t really occupied my thoughts, though; it pops into my consciousness now and again, waving wildly, squeaking “remember me?! remember me?!” I remember. I contemplate. I move on.

Then, an unexpected thing happened; I was inspired to blog like it’s 2006 – when I didn’t care about content or stats or readership or sponsors or any of the things bloggers stress about nowadays. I’m not interested in all that noise. I am relieving myself of all the pressure. With that, I am not going to agonize over my writing and simply type as it flows. Back to basics, my friends. Back to basics.

So, why do I blog? I could say it’s to write – an outlet – but, I could do that in a journal. So, why a public forum?

In all my contemplating, I’ve realized that I want people to read it. I want to share my thoughts, opinions, knowledge, beliefs, perspectives with whomever will take the time to read them. More than that, though, I want my kids to have a written account of my perspective on things. Whether I am in this world with them or not, I want them to know what is important to me. I won’t journal for them. That much I know. I also know that if I am writing the content with them in mind, it will be my complete truth. My clear perspective.

So, here I sit with a new design (that I did all by myself) and a new vision. I will write when I feel like it about whatever inspires me. Screw niches.

What has currently inspired me is the 30 Day Blog Challenge that I saw on Domesticated Momma’s blog. Ambitious? Yes. But, I figure if I’m going to do this, I might as well jump in with both feet.

This is what it will entail. And, I’ll tell you at the outset that my 30 days will not be consecutive. You know, this might provide me with a year’s worth of content!

Each (but not every) day, I will be writing a post about one of the following topics:

  1. Current Relationship
  2. Where would I like to be in 10 years
  3. Top 5 Pet Peeves
  4. Views on Religion
  5. Favourite Comfort Foods & Why
  6. Zodiac Sign and Does It Fit?
  7. Favourite Childhood Toys
  8. A moment you felt most satisfied in your life.
  9. If you would have any job in the world what would it be?
  10. Your guilty pleasures
  11. Put your iPod on shuffle and write first 10 songs that pop up.
  12. Bullet your whole day
  13. Somewhere you would like to move/visit.
  14. Earliest Memory
  15. Write 15 interesting facts about yourself
  16. Your views on mainstream music
  17. Your highs and lows this last year
  18. A book you could read over and over and never get sick of
  19. Your biggest regret in life
  20. How important you think education is
  21. One of your favourite TV Shows
  22. How have you changed the past 2 years
  23. Post 3 pics of famous people you find attractive
  24. Your favourite Movie & What its about.
  25. Someone who fascinates you and why
  26. If you had $1,000,000 to spend how would you spend it?
  27. A problem you have or have had in the past.
  28. Something that you miss
  29. List 10 people dead or alive you would invite to dinner , include the menu.
  30. Goals for the next 30 days!

I can hear you laughing. Challenge is right!

I might start tomorrow.

A Lesson in Motives

Dear Q,

This world in which we live tends to focus on who and what. We are fascinated by other people and what they are doing and saying.

The question we often do not consider is why. Why do people do what they do or say what they say?

Most importantly, why do you do what you do? Why do you say what you say? What is your motive?

Check your motives. Pause, ask yourself why and adjust accordingly. Let your true self shine through your motives and your actions.

Love always,
Mom

Blog like it’s 2006

In the wake of Blissdom Canada, I saw the following tweet.

I am not sure if Danielle was suggesting that it was a bad thing or a good thing, but my reaction was yes, please! Blog like it’s 2006 when I blogged about whatever I wanted and didn’t care who read it? Oh, yes.

2006: before I cared about comments, or promoting posts, or stats.

2006: when the extent of my community was searching keywords in wordpress.com and stumbling upon blogs that interested me – before I subscribed to anything and had my reader overflowing on a daily basis.

2006: when I wrote for myself about what mattered to me without worrying about what people might say on Twitter or Facebook – before I was concerned about trolls or what other people thought.

2006: when blogging was simpler.

This month marks my 5th blogiversary. 2006. This is what I said in my first post:

i hope this blog is filled with insightful, philosophical gems, but anticipate that the reality will be otherwise. i foresee random spewing of daily irritants and happenings.

(Oh, be quiet. Not capitalizing was cool back then).

Maybe Danielle gave me the answer I was looking for, or at least the inspiration to give myself permission to write with abandon.

Inspiration can come in the most unlikely of places. Thanks, Danielle.

What is the point of blogging conferences? My thoughts on Blissdom Canada 2011

I wasn’t planning to go to Blissdom Canada this year. When the tickets went on sale, I didn’t even try to buy one. I was two months away from giving birth and I had no idea what my baby would be like at 5 months old. Besides, I didn’t know who was speaking and as someone who has planned large-scale conferences, I just couldn’t bring myself to shell out money for TBD.

Twice, I was offered tickets to buy and twice, I declined. I didn’t really want to go. I didn’t see the value in it. Finally, a couple of weeks before the conference, someone offered to sell me her ticket, and I caved. Ultimately, I figured I’d regret not going. So, I decided I would to take Em and I knew there would be a lot of people I wanted to see. As October 13 approached, I got increasing excited.

I went. And, I came away with two very distinct impressions.

I don’t see the point of blogging conferences, aside from the social aspect. There, I said it. I just don’t see the value in terms of content. I felt this way about BlogHer, too. To me, it’s a lot of here is what worked for me, but that is not to say it will work for you. I don’t find that helpful. It’s great to hear success stories, but I want some information I can apply. I want something I can take away. I want something I can sink my teeth into that expands my knowledge base and maybe shifts my opinions on things. I want depth.

I think we need to move past who and what, and onto why and how.

What frustrated me most about the content was that, in many cases, it was delivered by the same people I’d heard it from before – last year at Blissdom Canada, in fact. Lovely people. People I admire and care about. But, the same people. Why? There is a wealth of perspectives available. There are people who have knowledge and stories to share. We are many. I want to hear a diversity of voices.

I want to hear from people who do social media for a living – and I am not talking about monetized blogs. I am talking about people who earn a living teaching, consulting, coaching, and creating success stories. Who are the people behind the scenes making big things happen? I want to hear about successful advocacy campaigns and how to engage people. There is a lot happening online that these conferences don’t tap into; there are people sitting in the sessions who are doing remarkable things.

I am not interested in monetizing my blog. I am not interested in working with brands. At all. It is just not going to happen. So, what does a blogging conference offer me? Where is the value?

My only answer is the people. Lovely, loving, accepting people. Like I said, I took Em to Blissdom Canada with me. I packed toys and diapers and changes of clothes into my over-sized purse, armed myself with my sling and headed off. I was a bit nervous. Would she be fussy? Would she be loud? Would people think her a nuisance?

I need not have worried. She was embraced – literally and figuratively. Her presence was not only welcome, it was requested. I nursed her during sessions to “thumbs up” instead of side-eyes. I carried an empty sling around because she was being held in people’s arms. In fact, I have never spent so little time with her! Women whisked her away so I could concentrate on a session, or so I could get my nails done, or get a massage, or so I could go to the bathroom…alone!

People cared for her and about her. And me.

My mom sent me a magnet that reads they say it takes a village to raise a child, but no one ever tells you where it is or how to get there.


I found a village at Blissdom – a community of women who knew enough and cared enough to give me a break. A community of women who didn’t just tolerate my daughter’s presence, but enjoyed it.

So, where does that leave me in evaluating the value of Blissdom Canada? Was it worth the money? I can’t decide, to be honest. The sense of community was invaluable, but is that the only reason to go? I’m not sure.

Most of what I’ve read since the conference has been positive. People seem to be basking in the after-glow. I don’t feel that. I have never felt that after a blogging conference. Maybe I’m doing it wrong. Maybe I need to manage my expectations. Maybe I need to accept that blogging conferences are blogging conferences and the content is just not for me. Maybe I need to spend my time and money at smaller-scale conferences or camps specific to my interests. Or, maybe nowhere at all.


What is your impression of content at large-scale blogging conferences?

Does the social aspect compensate for content if you don’t learn anything?

Do you go to a blogging conference to learn and grow? If not, why not set that standard?

A Lesson in Judging

Dear Q,

This world in which we live is a judgmental place. We judge people based on their appearances, attitudes, behaviours, beliefs, and motives.

To negatively judge another necessitates you believing yourself to be superior and right. You can’t think less of another unless you think more of yourself.

Remember that everyone makes choices for their own reasons – reasons that you don’t need to know and might never find out.

Just because someone doesn’t make the same choices you do, doesn’t mean they are making the wrong ones. Judging others solves nothing. It proves nothing. Presuming yourself to be superior does not make it so.

Embrace your freedom of choice. Embrace the power you have over your self. Allow others to embrace theirs. Let them be. Just be.

Love always,
Mom

Living online: Love it or leave it?

A few days ago, I discovered that one of my favourite people on Twitter deleted her account. Her name is Christine. I had never met her, but I always appreciated her voice and perspective in my timeline.

When asked what happened to her account, her friend directed me to a blog post about her decision to leave. A lot in her post resonated with me, but what resonated most with me from Christine’s post was this:

I am shocked at the polar opposite viewpoints that exist in the world. They are shocking to me and at the same time, they are so distant because I am merely reading about them. It’s as if I’m having a dissonance with reality. I know it’s real but it doesn’t seem real. And other times, the reality is so stark against what exists in my head. It’s all this shifty, uncomfortable, unknowable realm of existence.

Yes.

I struggle so much with this. A lot of what I read online contaminates my mind, yet I feel like I need to read it because it is happening and true. Somewhere. I read about how people feel about my relationship and my children. I see how my relationship is politicized and how my kids’ identities are questioned and confused. I see people arguing about a hierarchy of oppression like it’s a competition – invalidating the lived experience of those deemed to be less oppressed than another. I read blatantly sexist, racist, and homophobic comments.

I am shocked by how freely people express ignorant and bigoted attitudes. I am shocked by what gets attention online – the speed at which negativity spreads astounds me. I am shocked by how much time, energy, and passion people devote to getting into other people’s business, especially when it doesn’t affect them, doesn’t hurt them (or anybody) and never will! I read tweets and articles people link to and often wonder where people get off. It’s too much and, sometimes, it sticks with me for days and longer. I still remember reading a tweet from someone who doesn’t believe in interracial relationships refer to mixed kids as rainbow babies (and not in a good way). I unfollowed her over a year ago. Still, I remember.

I expose myself to countless conflicting perspectives on how to parent and what I should be doing, eating, and boycotting. It’s exhausting. I read about gender identity development without any mention of the patriarchal ideals that influence it.

I live it. I know it exists. I don’t need to read about it every day. It’s too much. Too often.

I understand why Christine left Twitter; I have done it in the past. I deleted my original account years ago after a few months. I was uncomfortable. I felt so vulnerable to being judged and challenged for everything I tweeted. It stressed me out.

The question of authenticity wasn’t an issue for me, though. I’ve been living online in some capacity since 1994. I’ve participated in chat rooms, forums, Myspace and am now active on Facebook and Twitter (among other sites). For 17 years, I’ve been meeting people from the internet, in person and I’ve never had a bad experience -awkward, yes, but not bad.

There is an element of the unknown online. People can be whomever and whatever they want. The veil of anonymity allows them to express themselves to a degree they do not feel free to in person. Because of that, it’s hard to know how consistent people’s online personas are with their offline personalities. Generally, I don’t really think about it. If I like an online persona, then it doesn’t matter to me how “real” the person behind the screen is being. If we ever meet in person, I’ll find out.

Personally, I am pretty consistent. The overlap between my life online and my life offline keeps me in check. On Twitter, I interact with dozens of people I know in real life and all but a handful of my Facebook friends I know personally (many of whom are relatives). That said, even if there was opportunity for me to be different online, I don’t feel the need to. If I am not comfortable saying something as myself, to people I know, it doesn’t need to be said.

Recently though, I have been feeling that living online and being connected all the time has left me feeling disconnected from my life, offline. I feel like I don’t notice things I used to notice and I don’t celebrate the little things that should bring me joy – I just don’t pay attention to what is around me in the same way I once did. So, immediately after reading Christine’s post, I deleted both my Twitter and Facebook apps from my Blackberry. No longer can I lie in bed tweeting, or post a pic on the fly, or potentially update everyone on every little thing that happens to me in a day. I can no longer check my Twitter mentions while having coffee, or wish I could while I am driving around. In order to be connected, I have to actually open up my computer and log in. I think it’ll be a healthier way for me to live – especially with the baby coming. I will be able to focus on what is in front of me and pay attention to those who share my physical space.

I benefit a lot from living online. I have found old friends and met new ones. I can almost immediately get advice from moms I trust. I can keep in touch with family and give them access to recent pictures of Q. I have learned a lot and I learn something valuable everyday.

I have the world at my fingertips, but sometimes I need to step out of that world and focus on the physical one – for my sanity and peace of mind; I need to step away from the inevitable negativity that contaminates my timeline. I don’t think I’d ever actually leave Twitter or Facebook, but I completely understand why Christine did.

Have you ever been tempted to stop living online?
How do you filter and flush out the negativity that you see online?
How do you deal with all the judging that happens on Twitter and Facebook? Do you censor what you say to avoid being challenged?
How important is authenticity to you? Do you expect online personas to match offline personalities?

I am a zombiemom

Pregnancy is a wondrous thing. It absolutely amazes me that an actual human being is developing in my belly. The more I think about it, the more I am filled with awe by the whole process.

But, pregnancy isn’t all butterflies and rainbows. It’s hard. It’s painful. It’s scary. It’s uncomfortable. There seem to be countless potential complications of varying degrees of severity. It’s heartburn and leg cramps. It’s swift kicks to the diaphragm, knocking the wind out of you. It’s an inability to sleep due to hip pain and general discomfort. It’s all these factors that can lead to stress, isolation, and sleep deprivation. It’s not all fun.

This pregnancy, I have had my fair share of complications; it has been one thing after another for the past nine months. Fortunately, I have felt better in the past couple of weeks than I have at any other point in my pregnancy. It’s unusual to feel good at the end, but I’m taking what I can get!

But that doesn’t mean I am sleeping. I am up at night with heartburn and hip pain and a general inability to sleep. So, what’s a girl to do when up in the middle of the night?

#zombiemoms

Now, if you are not on Twitter, that might not make any sense to you. #zombiemoms is a community on Twitter of sleep-deprived moms – many have newborns, a few are pregnant, and others have sick kids up in the night. #zombiemoms is a hashtag. On Twitter, that means if it’s added to a tweet, it creates a link that when clicked, accesses all the other tweets with #zombiemoms in them. That is how we keep in touch and follow the conversations.

On any given night, I can reach out to other moms who are also not sleeping. It is great to have company when we feel most isolated. We chat, ask each other questions, joke around, and support each other. Our little corner of Twitter has been invaluable to me. I feel connected to women who get that I am not choosing to be watching infomercials at 4 a.m. And, when the baby comes, I’m sure I will be checking in even more often.

I am a zombiemom. I put ice cream in the fridge and milk in the cupboard. I get little sleep and it comforts me that I am not alone. It’s nice to know that I am not the only one for whom pregnancy and parenting is not all butterflies and rainbows.

Are you a Zombiemom? Are you on Twitter? Check out #zombiemoms and join us – anyone is welcome, any time of night (or DAY!)