I have been living online and connecting with people on the internet for almost 20 years. In the early 90s, I’d hang out in chat rooms until I heard the birds chirping just before dawn, when I’d shut down the computer and crawl into bed as the sun peeked through my venetian blinds.
Over the years, I have met countless amazing people – companions with whom I have navigated this information highway. Some of the most meaningful friendships of my life started online – a few have moved offline and have become my most cherished.
I cannot fathom what my life would have been like without chat rooms, forums, Myspace, Facebook and Twitter. Immeasurable good has come out of them and they have been a huge part of my life for more than half of it.
However, there is a price I pay for living online. No, it’s not the time spent – that is a choice I make and something I can control. The price I pay is the weight of it all. So often, I come away from social sites with a heavy heart.
Years ago, I made a conscious decision to not engage in controversial topics online, especially ones that mean a lot to me and can easily become polarizing – religion, race, oppression, gender politics. Sometimes, I break my rule and it almost always leaves me feeling uneasy. Everyone has their own agenda and, to be honest, I no longer have the energy to put myself out there. I save that energy for offline discussions – and believe me, those discussions happen all the time and are infinitely more productive.
Something about the internet invites people to say exactly how they feel and what they think, regardless of how it might affect someone else. People will type things that would never come out of their mouths. For that reason, I backed away from Twitter in October and have hardly been back. There is just too much negativity and judging and criticism and agenda-pushing.
Fast forward to last night and the announcement of Whitney Houston’s death. A friend told me the news on Skype and I took to Twitter. I should have known better because last night exemplified why I backed away from Twitter in the first place.
Someone died – a music legend who provided the soundtrack to my childhood. A person. A mother. A daughter. A friend. A loved one of many. I may not have known her, but you’d better believe she impacted my life. Her songs not only throw me back to places and times, but they trigger memories of smells and textures. So many memories flooded my conscience when I found out she had died that I couldn’t sort them quickly enough.
Am I mourning her death? Not exactly. But, I sure am glad she lived.
Twitter quickly blew up with tweets about her drug addiction, assuming that was the cause of death. People tweeted that they didn’t care about her death and that she’d brought it upon herself. That is simply callous and disrespectful. I don’t understand what compels people to make comments like that after someone dies, regardless of the circumstances of the person’s life or death. I even read tweets saying she had wasted her talent. Wasted her talent. This, about a woman who during her career won 415 awards and was one of the best-selling female solo artists of all time? How is that a waste? Whitney Houston shared her talent and we benefited from it. If you weren’t a fan, why comment on it? Why choose to be negative in that moment?
Online social sites can be ugly places that bring out the worst in good people. Insensitivity, criticism, mocking, and polarizing debates reign supreme. It’s a heavy weight. People can’t tweet about what they feed their kids, how and where their kids sleep, where they shop, what they wear, or how much TV they watch without running the risk of someone picking it apart and telling them how wrong and bad they are. I don’t have time for that. I see and hear enough of that in my offline life.
Here’s to a talent not wasted:
How do you deal with the weight of online society?
Have you ever backed away because it all felt so heavy?
Well said. When I heard the news about Whitney Houston, my mind went a million directions – sadness for her family, sadness for a life lost so soon, and so many memories of her music as the soundtrack to pivotal moments of my life. Why some must focus on the most negative thoughts, I’ll never understand.
I’ve never been fully connected to all the different avenues of technological connections, and sometimes I wonder what I’m missing. Not often. I’ve always preferred a room full of friends than a party where I know only a few. So much online feels like the big frat parties.
But sometimes you get to listen in on a well thought out conversation or get to reconnect with someone too far away. And those are terrific moments.
I am the same way. I think that is why I have embraced Facebook over any of the more openly public sites. I was IN LOVE with Twitter for the longest time. I loved, loved, loved it. I’m over it, now. You’re right, it often feel like a frat party.
For me, the benefits of living online far outweigh the negative. Honestly, I don’t really know any different. Simply said, my life would be different without it. But, I have learned that, online, I need to limit my engagement to like-minded, or at least open-minded, people.
I was reading my Twitter stream when news Whitney Houston’s death broke. It was amazing how quickly it went from “OMG” to “she brought it on herself”. Some really awful things were said. Some likely-true things were said. But do we really have the right to say them (especially publicly) if we know nothing about her life beyond what the media has fed us? I’m not so sure.
I wish her loved ones peace and strength. I doubt they’ll get the first one. That is heartbreaking too.
Agreed.
Personally, I don’t think it’s our business to comment on how she lived or how she died. Even if some things that were said were true, it was not an appropriate time our space to mention them – and they definitely didn’t come from people who actually knew her.
People are closed minded, judgmental and and insecure causing them to say and do things that are thoughtless and insensitive. This is why I choose to not socialize with many people in real life or on-line. I’m sure I have made comments that have offended others and frankly they can “unfriend” me if they wish. This may make me insensitive, but life is too short to worry about close minded people. Maybe my opinions will waken one person’s heart and mind, yay!
Having said that, I hope if I ever say or do something on-line that worries/offends you, please tell me and I will surely and openly consider your view
Caroline, I would definitely tell you. It’s more strangers that I don’t have energy for – people on Twitter who I don’t know, ignorant people commenting on articles and blog posts. Someone always has something to say – some are contrary for the sake of it. It’s exhausting.
The beauty of my social media experience is that so many people I know and care about are in it. Facebook is my happy place – it is the only place online that I leave feeling lighter…because the people on there care. I will share stuff on there that is important to me.
I’m so sad that Whitney Houston is gone. She was truly an legend, and “How Will I Know” is one of my favorite songs of all time.
I know what you mean about living on line. I remember when I posted about being unmarried and having children, I got viciously attacked by an anonymous reader and even though I don’t know that person, it really hurt. People sometimes don’t think about how their words will impact someone else on the internet.
People can be so narrow-minded. Being unmarried with children is one of the few things I will openly talk about online – and I welcome anyone to challenge me!
What weighs me down most is when people talk about my kids and their racial identity.
People are so free to express themselves on the internet without considering or caring about the implications.
Afterthoght: Funny how noone mentioned Bobby Brown in all of this…..
I saw a few people mention Bobby on Twitter. He decided to perform with New Edition last night after the news and there was some discussion about whether or not he should have.
Great Post as usual Sarah. I too am sorry for the loss of Whitney Houston, no matter the situation surrounding her death, it is sad and she leaves behind family and friends who loved her as well as so many fans.
As for Twitter, as you know I left it long ago. I tried going back, but just couldn’t take the time it needed one, and two exactly what you said, the negativity is too much. If you post an innocent comment about something, a rhetorical question you get floods of people telling you what is wrong or not wrong and how horrible you are. Again, I don’t have time for that. Plus I kind of didn’t get people tweeting about the most silly of things.
I’m semi-addicted to Facebook, but except for a few pages I’m only connected to those people I want to be. I have less than 80 friends and I’m happy with that. They are people I care about knowing what’s going on and who I want to know what’s going on with me.
But with that, even if you disagree with someone, there are nice ways to say it, nice ways to maybe suggest something else. Or you know what, just leave it alone. But as you said, the internet seems to take the filter off people’s brains to their fingers and they feel quite free to say things in print that they wouldn’t say to someone’s face because they don’t have to deal with the outcome of it.
I love the internet, yet at the same time I loathe it. Glad for Facebook because it has allowed me to reconnect with those I’ve missed for many many years, but at the same time dislike it. I too control the amount of time I spend online, but at the same time it is harded to control seeing the negativity. But I chose not to engage. Not worth my time.
Exactly. I love my Facebook friends. I am selective about who I add as a friend and I am selective about what I leave in my news feed. It is easy to eliminate the contamination.
Also, if and when people disagree with me on Facebook, they usually don’t say anything or address is nicely – I rarely get into raging debates on there…I save those for offline.
I’m with you. Recently I had been feeling the need to spend more time offline… I find myself shutting off the computer when my feed becomes too much.
Definitely. Also, I take to Pinterest. I can pin whatever I want and no one questions me. They share it if they like it, otherwise I don’t hear about it. It’s very liberating…I even pin curses there!
Loved this comment. I’ll be back to comment more thoughtfully on the discourse later.
Well written.
It mad me sad to think this beautiful and talented woman, daughter, friend and mother had died. I was even sadder when I saw the negativity. Her addictions don’t change who she was and what she brought to the world. It was her battle and she fought the best she could.
I’m fairly new to the online world and only joined the Twitter ranks several months ago, but I see the positivity as well the dark side. I’m trying to stick to conversations with like-minded people.
Thanks, Kat. The positives do outweigh the negatives. Sometimes, it’s hard to let things I don’t agree with slide, but I’ve discovered tackling them is not terribly productive.
I stopped using Twitter because I was feeling the same way. There was a lot of meangirling going on and to me it just wasn’t worth my time to worry about or deal with people I barely even know. Lately I’ve been spending less and less time on Facebook as well. I only pop over to catch up with people I care about or am interested in way they have to say or post.
Meangirling… that is the word. I want no part of it.
I kinda wonder what happened to you!
That’s what happened
I don’t mind checking in now and then, but I don’t want any part in the bullying that goes on. And the saddest part is that I think the people that are doing it are totally clueless as to how they are behaving. But, it’s not my place to parent them about their bad behaviour. Not that they would listen……..
Exactly my point about not engaging. People just aren’t open to hearing opposing views or criticism, even if that’s what they are doing!
People have told me that I just need to unfollow a bunch of people to change my Twitter experience…but I’d have to unfollow a LOT of people and it would be awkward because my online and offline are so intertwined.
I agree with you wholeheartedly!! It is sad when the online world is so marred with judgement and why, because that cloak of invisibility allows people to feel safe to act in such a way? I work in addictions and cannot stand when a life lost becomes just that… a sad life of an addict. There are people and families and circumstances involved… loss is loss. death is death. and grief is grief. We can all learn how to be with others if we only look in our own backyards and realize while all problems may not look the same… problems are problems and all of us have them.
Thanks, Laurel.
loss is a loss. death is death. and grief is grief. Yes!
Very well written! Although i dont use twitter, i could imagine the things being said! I prefer positive interactions with people online, so I tend to stick to FB. However, when it comes to something I am passionate about i.e. First Nations issues, I cant help myself, and I engage often on sites like CBC or CTV. Believe me people say ignorant things and i feel if I say nothing, than I am helping to perpetuate a stereotype…I feel the need to educate, to engage. I dont engage in many debates but have chosen one that means the most, so in a sense i have picked my battle and i choose to fight it. We cant fight every battle but we can to those that mean something or that we are passionate about.
I commend you for taking on that battle. I can’t even stomach the article comments on CBC or CTV. There is so much racism and ignorance and I’ve found that most people aren’t open to hearing any view different from their own.
I have a ‘silence is permission’ attitude in life, but if I applied that to the internet, I’d always be online. It hurts my heart. So much bigotry, I get overwhelmed by it all.
So right, Sarah. I find many people are quick with a rebuttal that they would not make in person. And I guess you’ve hit at the heart of cyber bullying. Yes, there are people who will say/post/tweet anything. But some use the cyber world in an intentionally hurtful way, saying things they would not have the balls (I refuse to use the word courage, because courage is about strength, and bullying has nothing to do with strength) to say in person. And ironically, will often deny their participation in acts of cyber bullying. It’s hard to take back the spoken word, but it is more difficult to trace as compared to the trails left behind on the internet.
I use Twitter, like Flipboard. Most of those I follow are professional colleagues or journals etc related to education or news. And most of the time, I read it, when I’m isolated and don’t have access to much else to read. And I read it for a laugh too. I follow the Queen UK and Lord Voldemort-neither of whom is who they profess to be, but the lengths they go to, in pretending to be are sometimes are amusing.
There are those who sneer at the facebook term of ‘friend’, but in feeling more at home on FB, I think you’ve honed in on the ‘friend’ concept. The conversations we have with friends are different. I’d like to say we’re more gentle with friends, but that’s not quite the right descriptor, nor is respectful. But perhaps we choose our words more carefully, because we care about the people we’re conversing with, and their feelings, thoughts and responses. We value the relationships and post/respond accordingly.
It’s about filters, isn’t it? Filtering the thoughts in our head and realizing we don’t have to say EVERY thought that pops to mind. Filtering what those thoughts say about us, and what they say to those who receive.
Wait a sec… Lord Voldemort isn’t who he professes to be!?
It does come down to filters. Absolutely.
So I’ve been thinking about this post quite a bit since I read it earlier, and I still don’t feel fully ready to comment, it’s the sort of thing I’d much rather talk about with you in person (ironic), but here’s what I think. The thing about social media is that it shows everything in stark reality. Indeed you are no question right that people do a good job of hiding behind their computers, but I think at the same time these platforms have given so many the opportunity to actually come out from behind their computers and share things that make social media so beautiful. As with everything, with the good comes bad, and in general human nature isn’t always a pretty thing. As my own interest in these online platforms ebbs and flows I sometimes feels confident in the honestly I’ve shown online, and sometimes horrified by own willingness to share it all so openly. The other thing is, it’s too easy to react. Even easier in many ways then when in person. People for some reason haven’t developed the same social filters when the type that they have (in some cases) when they speak in person. Oh how I could go on!! You need to come visit
I love having conversations about stuff like this with you! Completely agree with how easy it is to react. To be fair, all this also depends on the platform – maybe even more than the people. The are people who will tweet things that I would never see on their FB profile. Some of that is audience and some of it is atmosphere. Positive things people are doing don’t spread on Twitter the same way they do on FB.
Hey Sarah.
Great, well considered post. I know how you feel. Because Twitter is so fast-moving (not much time for reflection) and there are no filters, it can feel volatile and negative, even hurtful sometimes. But I do think there is an enormous amount of genuine caring there too.
(Sometimes I disappeared for a few days at a time and I’m quite comfortable with that…)
Anyway, seems like a long time since I’ve chatted with you. Think it was before baby arrived. I’m wishing you lots of joy and contentment with your beautiful family. (And if I don’t find you on Twitter, I’ll try and come back to see how you’re doing.)
Thanks, Pam! We’ll have to catch up – Em is 9 months old, already!
I’ve always been really disturbed by the lack of inhibition people show when they’re commenting online. I know I’ve said things at times that I’d like to un-say, but what happened with Whitney Houston’s death was cruel and thoughtless to her family and friends who knew and loved her. Being a public figure invites a scrutiny I don’t think I could ever live with. In that sense, I think Whitney was a brave woman to put herself out there. To share her incredible talent with people who celebrate it one day and mock her the next.
We have all made errors in judgment in life. Aren’t those of us who live privately so very fortunate that ours aren’t splashed on the pages of magazines and newspapers?