I just read the following quote on Twitter:
“The way we speak to our children becomes their inner voice”. – Peggy O’Mara
It struck me and without thinking too much about it, I retweeted it.
Then I let it sink in a bit and it didn’t sit well. There are a few problems I have with that quote.
First of all, it puts way too much pressure and responsibility on parents. I know I am raising two humans – shaping them and instilling knowledge, attitudes, and values that they will carry for their lives. That’s kind of the point. I also know that they will model my behaviour, to a certain degree, and take cues from me with respect to what is appropriate, right, and good. I get that.
However, I reject the notion that my children won’t develop their own voices, especially their inner voices – the voices that keep them awake and talk to them in their sleep. They have to be granted not only the responsibility of creating those voices, but the credit for doing so.
I have a very vocal inner voice. It rarely shuts up – about the ills of the world, or quantum theories, or the meaning of life, or why I willingly drink something that can clean my drains. It did not come from my parents; I created it. The way they spoke to me did not become my inner voice any more than the way I speak to my kids will become theirs.
I don’t need any more pressure than I am already put under as a mother and I also don’t need credit for creations that are not of my making.
Thanks anyway, Peggy O’Mara.
This is a good discussion. I think to a point we help to start our children’s inner voice. But I do also think that it is up to them to take it and run with it and turn it into what it will ultimately become. Our children are their own people. They will be who they will be
We just start them down the track of life. We do shape them, they do take their cues from us, but eventually they go out and make their own opinions, shape their own futures.
I like you have my own inner voice, it is different from my parents. They started that voice, but along the way that voice took on its own personality.
I just think the way we speak to our children is the way they may listen to their inner voice, not becomes their inner voice.
Definately an interesting thing to ponder.
I think there are many variables. Parents who speak many assorted messages, especially those of affirmation and encouragement, probably help children (and adult children) to develop their inner voices. Your strong, inquisitive inner voice may reflect the love and nurture you were given as a child, telling you ‘you can do it!’
As for negative messages, perhaps your personality is not such that internalizes messages from others, as much as another person’s may.
Children, and I might add spouses, who hear repeated negative messages for long, long periods, may internalize those messages as an inner voice.
I’m dumb. I’m stupid. I’m a loser. I never do anything right.
Starts somewhere, I think.
Of course, we can all tune in to negative self talk, especially after making mistakes (perhaps the same mistake again and again). And some personalities will be more prone to this, than others.
However, I am someone who gets to watch and listen to many children every day. Often I hear the same words come from the mouths of the child and the parent.
Sometimes it makes me really happy. And sometimes, very, very sad or angry.
Our influence as parents, and significant adults, can be profound. I know I mess up regularly, but I get up every morning and aim to work really hard to make that influence be positive.
I might add one small word to the quote- may – the way we speak to our children MAY becomes their inner voice.
We definitely influence the inner voice and I interpreted the quote as referring to parents and children, specifically. I think we need to caution how much “absolute” responsibilty and power we give to parents. Like you said, there are some crappy parents out there I’d hate to think their children are sentenced to a lifelong negative inner voice.
To be honest, I think the inner voice pre-exists how we are talked to – it’s our thought process that even newborns must possess to choose who to smile at or when to finally grasp a toy.
The development of an inner voice is a process, I think, and it is influenced by many people and factors, as you mention. Personality, environment, teachers, parents, siblings, media, friends, etc, etc.
My problem with the quote was that it was too absolute. I took expection to the word “becomes”. I could live with “influences”.
Yes, maybe “influences” is the better word.
I agree, no matter how wonderful or bad parents might be, as children grow, they must make their own choices to be who they will be.
Definately an interesting discussion.
I can certainly live with ‘influences’ too!
Interesting timing, on the following article that was in my newsfeed today.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/words-can-change-your-brain/201207/the-most-dangerous-word-in-the-world
I can see why it resonated with you. I think we sometimes take on that absolute responsibility for everything that happens to our kids (or society makes us think we should). That’s too stressful, though. It doesn’t allow our kids to have any free will to choose their own path – and they will, long before we’re ready.
I don’t want to be more than an influence on my son. I want him to grow up with the ability to decide which way he will go. I hope my influence is positive and reaffirming so that the path he takes is what is truly best for him rather than self-destructive.
I’m glad you disected that quote. I don’t know that I wouldn’t have done exactly the same thing you did in retweeting it without first thinking it through.
You may have missed the point with the quote.
It is meant to be just what is was for you…though-provoking.
It is meant to make parents like you reconsider what we are saying to our children.
It wasn’t meant to be the “end-all, be-all” to parenting and it isn’t a guarantee for perfectly rounded children.
It is a simple quote…and it has achieved its purpose with you…and your readers. Give it some credit.
I meant to type “thought-provoking”
My inner voice will help me with that. 
*sorry…typed too fast
BUT…because my mother always told me that “mistakes are simply opportunities to learn”, I won’t beat myself up too much over that one.