I don’t like tools. What is that teaching my son?
Yesterday, my brother, Mr. T, and I relieved my mother of all her worldly goods. Okay, maybe not all…but the good stuff. Mom is moving and will no longer have a yard, so she gave us all the things she won’t need. It was a productive haul.
I got a porch swing (the fact that I don’t actually have a porch is of minor significance).
When we got home last night, it was too late to assemble the swing (and by assemble, I mean screw in 4 bolts and hang the canopy & swing). I silently resolved to do it today by myself.
I don’t like tools.
I know nothing about them. In fact, as my brother was disassembling the swing, I said “Hmm, I wonder if we have those tools…” to which he responded “they are just 2 wrenches.” I kid you not. Nor do I exaggerate. I have no inclination to build, assemble, or have any other use for tools (except maybe a screwdriver – though, I do avoid changing batteries if I need one).
Wielding tools – not my strength. Not my preference. It’s a personal thing – I was in no way discouraged from using them as a child because I am a girl. In fact, I was encouraged to use them; my mother used them all the time and fixed all sorts of things. She painted the outside of our entire house once. No, I did not learn this from my parents. I just don’t like them.
So there I was this morning, set to assemble a porch swing (4 bolts). I scavenged the basement and garage and found 2 lock wrenches (yes, I had to look that up), which I realize was overkill, but I couldn’t find any regular wrenches that fit. I carried all the pieces to the chosen spot in the yard and got started. Being that my only option for assistance was a 2 year old, I had to be creative. I struggled with the pieces and cursed the tedium of my repeated actions while Q quietly played in the yard.
At one point, he came over and picked a wrench up. “That’s Daddy’s” he said. Uh-oh. So, I responded “Is that only Daddy’s? Can it be mommy’s too?” “No.” “Why not?” “Because it gives owies.” Crap. This is where personal preference becomes bigger than personal preference. It happens that my personal preference supports gender stereotypes and, unintentionally, perpetuates certain assumptions that go along with that – even for a 2 year old.
For whatever reason, Q equated tools with Daddy with strength (which is a fair association, being that Mr. T is a million times stronger that I am and is the only one using tools around here). However, the implications of this are not lost on me. Implications are more powerful than intention, which means we need to be more aware of what we are modeling. We each have our strengths and preferences – sometimes they coincide with gender stereotypes, and sometimes they don’t.
I believe that focussing on personal strengths over societal expectations is crucial. But am I now faced with implicitly teaching my son that tools are for men because men are strong? Or, maybe I am making too big a leap.
At what point does Daddy = men and mommy = women? When does the individual start representing the collective?
I finished the swing. It was actually no easy task even though it was only 4 bolts, but it was worth it. 
May 31st, 2010 at 1:39 pm
Please, for all that is good in the world, never, ever use lock wrenches (vice-grips) on nice bolts and nuts. Ever. Seriously.
May 31st, 2010 at 1:40 pm
What are they for?
May 31st, 2010 at 3:06 pm
Hilarious!
I don’t know what it’s teaching our sons, but I don’t like tools either. I had to laugh about avoiding battery changes if a screwdriver is involved – me too!
I’m impressed that you put it together by yourself (even if it was only 4 screws and you used vice grips to tighten them!). And I like where you placed it by the pretty-smelling lilacs!
May 31st, 2010 at 4:23 pm
Sarah,
Nice post, thought provoking as always.
I think as long as Q knows that you are strong when you need to be, whether it be with tools or in other situations, he will gather that into his observations more so than thinking because Mom doesn’t use tools, she and all womean aren’t strong.
I only have my niece & nephew to go on, but it’s amazing how well their brains integrate information and form opinions that shape their personalities.
Besides, you turned out okay
May 31st, 2010 at 10:20 pm
I am impressed that you managed to put this swing together; I like tools and think it may have been a challenge on my own
I have to say I think Q may have learned that the true strength comes in the will to accomplish something and not in the tool you choose to use.
June 1st, 2010 at 11:15 pm
That is so true… not the tool you use. I like that.
May 31st, 2010 at 10:52 pm
Good job putting it together even though you really don’t like tools.
Funny that Q decided that tools were just for “daddy”, eventually he’ll get exposed to the fact that some women like tools and such. You don’t need to change who you are in order to prove this point to him.
June 1st, 2010 at 11:16 pm
Yes! Exactly! I don’t need to change who I am to prove that point to him… what would that be teaching him? Oh, this is so confusing!
May 31st, 2010 at 11:12 pm
I remember my hubby laughing when my then 3 yr-old said “you are using mommy’s lawn mower”.
June 1st, 2010 at 7:34 am
You did it!! I HATE tools too. But my aversion comes from the fact that I always associated them with my dad’s work, and now with Jay’s work. But hey, they built me two houses so I shouldn’t complain. And yes when building I hammered and sawed with the best of them. But do I worry about modelling that behaviour for my kids now? Not so much. I think it’s okay to just not like something and to just be up front with Q that you don’t like tools. They aren’t your thing. Just like some things won’t be Mr. T’s thing. There is an important lesson to be learned in just the reality of that.
June 1st, 2010 at 11:18 pm
YOU don’t like tools!? How did you manage to build a house? Wow – good for you. I had just thought it was something you liked to do.
Yeah, you are right – there is a lesson in the reality that people has different preferences and it doesn’t always mean something.
June 1st, 2010 at 4:46 pm
Hey you at least you finished what you set out to do. Nice job! I also am not a fan of tools, and daddy does a lot of the “manly” things in the house but perhaps when they’re old enough they can understand the difference between stereotyped tasks and personal preferences?
“I really don’t like emptying the litter bin at home – it doesn’t mean it’s a man’s job. It just means your daddy’s stuck doing that job because I won’t. But now that you’re old enough to wield a pooper scooper…”
June 1st, 2010 at 11:20 pm
I hear that – not every action/inaction needs to/should be politicized. People have preferences. Leave it at that.
…and I prefer not to clean a litter box – as such, we have no pets.
June 1st, 2010 at 5:50 pm
It gives owies – awesome. Nice swing – good job wimpy. For the record, I like tools – I build all the crap we buy from IKEA, otherwise Jonathan ends up with a handful of pieces that shouldn’t be left over. I used to help my dad with that kind of thing when I was little – I was always the first one to volunteer, and still am.
June 1st, 2010 at 11:21 pm
Ok, so the next time I have a project like this, I shall call you to come over and help me. I will pay you in iced lattes.
June 2nd, 2010 at 10:07 am
I have a major problem with teaching my boys that tools=manhood too. I hate building things/putting things together, and I’m horrible at it. I’m a total female cliche. Sigh.