I am a sneaker kind of girl, but I have my fair share of high heels. Recently, they have been getting more use from Q than from me. He digs them out of the closet, puts them on and taps around the house in them. He has them mastered. It is quite impressive, actually. I don’t know why he likes my heels – maybe it’s the height, or the sound, or the fact that they are mine. I don’t know and I don’t ask him; it doesn’t matter.
Six weeks ago, while Q was tapping around the house, I tweeted this:
The one response I got was “Oh, I’m sure his high school mates will just love that!” I was put off for a number of reasons, but it stuck with me and got me thinking.
Between then and now, I have read this post by Loukia at Loulou’s Views, this post by Carrie Anne at Another Day, Another Thought or Two, this post by Jana at An Attitude Adjustment, and this post by Jen at Everything Mom. I decided that it is time for me to weigh in and share my perspective more cohesively than I can in a blog comment or in 140 characters on Twitter.
My son plays with dolls. He wears pink shirts. One of his favourite things to do is push his baby around in a doll stroller or rock him in mini swing. He wears my heels. And, the other day he picked out pink shoes at the store (which I did not buy because there were none in his size, but his request made me pause).
I consider myself a conscious parent. I am mindful of the choices and decisions I make on Q’s behalf. I constantly evaluate and manage my expectations of him and of myself. I deliberately check my ego and make a concerted effort to not engage in power struggles for the sake of maintaining or asserting power over him. I do my best to acknowledge his individuality and honour his agency.
It is work. It is constant. But I believe that it is important.
When it comes to gender identity, I have no expectations of Q. No gender identity is better than another. For all I know, he will identify as a trans woman. Fine with me. Whoever he is, he is. What matters to me is that he feel free to express that identity without fear of rejection and judgment from me and Mr. T. If there is anywhere he needs to feel free to express himself, it’s in his home.
That said, society will judge him. He will be judged regardless, but especially harshly if he defies societal expectations and norms. In this world, binary gender designations are met with little question. Boy or girl. Man or woman. The reality, though, is that it is not that simple. Gender identity is complex and runs deeper than gendered toys and clothes. Intersex and transgender [pdf] identities exist and are more common than many are willing to accept.
In all honestly, I was relieved when there were no pink shoes in Q’s size because I probably would have bought them for him and I knew that he and I would be judged.
Am I willing to appease people I don’t know or don’t like at the expense of my son’s free will and desire to express himself? As Dr. Seuss said: those who mind don’t matter and those that matter don’t mind. However, at what point do I intervene in an effort to protect him? And, will I really be protecting him in the long run?
Is there a point at which we defer and encourage our children to conform? My heart says no, but I am torn. I want Q to feel free to express his true self, but I don’t want him to suffer at the hands of those high school mates.
What do you think?
How do you foster a sense of identity in your children?
Do you allow your children to express themselves freely through their clothing and toys?
Are we protecting our children by encouraging them to conform to gender stereotypes and social expectations?
For the record, I don’t believe that toys and clothing determine sexual orientation, nor do I have any preference for Q’s sexual orientation.
WOW! This is a tough one. L too walks around in my shoes all the time and I never have thought anything of it. He is a 2 year doing what 2 year olds do. Do I put him in pink – no. Reason – it is a girl colour. I readily adimit to that. But do I stop him from playing with his doll or pushing the toy stroller around.
Do you stop kids from being kids and expressing themselves the way they want because it is against “gender rules”? I don’t have an answer for that one. Because as you ask are we really protecting them?
Definately something to think about.
Yeah, I never thought twice about the shoe-thing, either… until that response I got from that tweet.
It’s so hard. Until now, his clothing and shoes, etc have been our decisions. As he gets older, how much do I interfere in his discussions? Dunno.
I got into a huge argument with a few people about a year ago as to whether or not little boys should be able to carry a purse out in public. Fynn carries matchbox cars in my old purses. I don’t care… and I let him take them wherever he wants. But the other mothers I talked to said that while they don’t mind that I let my kid do it “we’ll still tell our sons that our rules are that they aren’t able to” which to me just keeps the cycle of judgement going.
(I kid…)
(that was too long of a sentence, I’m sorry…)
I don’t know where to draw the line though. I painted Paige’s toenails pink because I was doing mine and she asked me to. Fynn looked at me and asked if I could paint his blue. If I had blue polish I would have, but thank goodness he didn’t ask for pink because I probably would have done that and then who knows what would have happened…
It’s hard though. I know what you’re saying. The older they get the harder it’s going to be. I think what also comes into play is they’re around their mama’s so much, and so they want to emulate what we do. That will probably change with time as well…
It’s true that they are around us more now and things will change. I’m sure that at some point he will want to emulate his father – that’s not even to say he doesn’t walk around in his father’s shoes.
I don’t necessarily think that any of this behaviour or preference is indicative of anything in terms of identity at his age, really. At the same time, I want him to be able to express himself as he choses…
This, my friend, is a tough one. I have no answers to offer, only my own perspective. I let my boys do what they want, so that means they both trot around my house in my heals, and Carter has been known to sling a purse or two over his shoulder. When he asks me to paint his toes I do, and as I mentioned in my own tweet, I only have pink. None of this matters to me if it doesn’t to them. I think the key is follow their lead and to always let them know that they are loved no matter their choices. Because, there ARE no wrong or right choices anymore. There is only perspective. And yes, those mates might make it hard, but it would be much harder to try to live a life that isn’t true to yourself. (And I realize this is a heavy consideration for a 2 year old, but I think, in the end, it’s the point right?)
but it would be much harder to try to live a life that isn’t true to yourself.
Therein lies the issue, right? Sure, he is 2, but he won’t always be 2. I want to set precedence now – have it be the standard in our household. I’m just not sure how to teach him to navigate the judgment.
I think the ability to navigate the judgement comes from the confidence of knowing you are loved and accepted in other places. At least, I hope so!
That, my friend, just provided me with the clarity I needed. Thank you!
I also think this is a double standard for young children….no one at play group gives Alice a second look if she’s playing with trucks or trains and it’s completely acceptable for me to dress her entirely in blue. Why are dolls and pink not okay for boys?
I frequent a forum online where there is a similar debate going on after one mom posted about her son wanting a pink backpack to start school.
http://forums.weddingbells.ca/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2391402&nt=8&page=1
That is so true. I even find ‘gender neutral’ favours ‘male’ which is a bigger issue, I think. That it’s ok for girls to be like boys but boys aren’t allowed to be like girls speaks volumes to me about the perceived value of male over female.
I might disagree and say “speaks volumes to me about the perceived value of FEMALES over MALES.”
NA society almost ‘expects’ women to challenge stereotypes (which is good), so any deviation from the status quo (via old-boys club) is celebrated. I don’t believe men have been interested (read: allowed) in crossing the gender-gap and we now find ourselves confined to a rather limiting definition of male-ness.
“Honestly, I think boys doing ‘girl’ things is perceived as weak, which I believe reflects the power structure and hierarchy of our society.”
…or perhaps reflects the deep seeded insecurities men have with gender and sexuality.
Definitely! Good point. Makes me wonder where that starts and why…
Applauding you! I think you should encourage him to ne who he is. But don’t be limited to what he gravitates to. Introduce him to new things too. He just may love a soccer ball or a set of paints. Help him find what he loves but help prepare him for the real world too. When he’s hold enough to understand.
Good point, Allison! Preparing him for the real world is the hard part. Not sure how to teach him to navigate the judgment he’ll face…
Hey Sarah, great post. I agree, I don’t think what kids wear and play with determines their sexual preference later in life. I have tried to raise all 3 of my kids somewhat gender neutral, letting them dress and play as boys and girls. My son has long hair and has to deal with the whole stereotype of only girls have long hair. I wrote about my frustration with ignorant parents here:
http://cabadov.wordpress.com/2009/05/07/flashback-ignorant-parents/
I hope my post (the one you linked to) didn’t give you the wrong impression about my point of view. The issue I have with girls participating in my son’s Beaver group is that they’re trying to tell the boys that they can’t behave like, well, boys. But then my son is 6 and is very different from when he was 2.
I think letting your son dress-up, wear jewelry, make-up, is not going to cause confusion when he’s older. Kids go through various stages of trying to figure out who they are, why people do certain things, what would it be like to try that and so on. The more freedom we give our kids (with guidance for their safety of course) the more they’ll understand where they fit and have respect others who are different, or so that’s my thinking. I think you’re doing a great job.
Thanks Carrie Anne!
I think I understood your post – it just seemed that after that tweet, I either noticed more posts about gender or they were more posts. All of them, though different, inspired me to share my perspective.
I appreciated the perspective of your post. I believe that hormones are strong and that they influence behaviour in ways I will never understand – and I agree that boys need a safe space to express their testosterone and not worry about being careful or gentle for the sake of girls.
Looking forward to checking out your post about your son’s hair. At one point, Q’s hair was long and I tied it back in a ponytail. Despite male-gendered clothing, he was still mistaken to be a girl. It’s amazing how much power one hair elastic has!
http://sarahcasm.ca/having-a-ponytail-doesnt-make-him-a-girl/
I agree that what our little boys do at 2 is not going to define who they are when they are older. Just because they wear our heels, want their toes painted pink has no bearing on who they are. It just looks like fun, so why not.
Never having really put much thought into it, but it was brought up here, yes it is ok for girls to act like boys, but not for boys to act like girls? What caring, considerate, gentle? Are these traits only reserved for the females of our species? And I do agree that boys should have their own place. Girls in the Cubs? Do they not have Girl Scouts? Are boys allowed to join?
Having been a girl (still am) that played hockey, I wanted to play with the boys, but was not allowed, by both parents & the rules. I look back now and realize that thought I played a “boy” sport it was right that I played in the girl’s league.
It is tough to allow our kids express themselves and yet protect them from the judgements that they will face.
My older son is already judged because he is a bigger child he is assumed to be older and therefore looked at as “slower” because he cannot do what children his perceived age are supposed to do. So it is hard for me to allow him to do other things that will have him judged unfairly as well.
Great post and have enjoyed reading all the comments.
I think it’s a hard call – we have pushed for girls to be able to play with girls and integrate genders in sports. Maybe there is something to be said for each having their own space, but that makes me wonder where the people who don’t fit under those labels play, which goes back to binary gender distinctions.
I have never been a propenent of segregation in any context, but now that Q is becoming his own person, I see how differently he interacts with boys and girls – maybe that is a product of conditioning or maybe it’s a product of hormones.
Hard to know… goes to a deeper question of whether girls are inherently more gentle, etc. I am not sold on that idea, either. I hate to impose expectations on anyone of any gender.
I don’t believe that girls are inherently more gentle than boys. I have examples of that as I’m sure you know. But if boys are overly gentle it is looked upon as weak. Why? Just dumb.
I can see why in some sports they are seperate for boys and girls as they get older. It is just FACT that most boys are going to be bigger and stronger than girls of the same age, without meaning to the boys could hurt the girls. I have seen this, it happens. So I believe that for some of the contact sports they do have to be seperated when they are older.
Again tough issue.
You know what? We have awesome boys who are sensitive and our little boys will make such good parents one day! I think it’s adorable when my 2 year old plays with his doll – yes, he has a boy doll – and he puts him to bed – heart melting, I tell you! I hate the judging. My oldest son love jewellery – gems, jewels, crystals. Hey, maybe he’ll own a jewellery store when he’s older? Score!
Great post, S.
Loukia, maybe your older son will be a jewellery designer…. Awesome! My older son also has a boy doll. Somedays plays with it, others prefers to play with his 4 month old brother.
Our 3yo son is VERY aware of gender and what is ‘boys’ and ‘girls’ things. I put a doll on his bed and he flipped out! NO! He wouldn’t have it. It’s for girls. He almost didn’t eat dessert because I put it on a Cinderella plate (until I told him that’s the plate you have right now and it’s that or no dessert.) I’ve been struggling with trying to get him to see it’s all ok for boys or girls. We don’t know where this strong sense of BOY and GIRL came from.
I, too, have blogged about this issue in the past. And it’s right down to McDonald’s (boy toy or girl toy?) Even Santa said to my little girl, “What would you like for Christmas? A doll?” To which she replied, “No. Dinosaurs.”
I’ve painted my son’s nails pink at his request. I was painting my toes and he wanted his thumb painted pink. He was very proud of it.
It’s so tough, isn’t it? and I really don’t understand society’s acceptance of boys things for girls, but not girls things for boys…
That is interesting about Z ’cause the first time I met him, he got dressed up in a princess dress and ‘performed’ with his sis! I wonder what’s influenced him.
Honestly, I think boys doing ‘girl’ things is perceived as weak, which I believe reflects the power structure and hierarchy of our society.
Sarah,I think you hit the nail on the head here: “Honestly, I think boys doing ‘girl’ things is perceived as weak, which I believe reflects the power structure and hierarchy of our society.” It exasperates me to no end. Especially when I hear things like ”Crying is for girls!”
I do think that society’s double standard (OK for girls to be tomboys but not for boys to like “girlie things” for fear of being labeled effeminate) influences how we raise our children. For the most part, as parents, many of us may not care what they become because we’ll love them all the same, but it’s in our instincts to protect them. So when they’re in danger of being the subject of much torment, we want to steer them away from it and one way we know how is to help them learn the acceptable standards, even if they seem rather arbitrary, logically speaking. Yet, it goes against our effort in wanting to raise a person who is comfortable with who he/she is.
I am unable to contribute here with my own experience since I have a girl, and while I brace myself for the girlie things in the house, I’m secretly glad that so far, she’s into trains and blocks more than anything else, and we shop for her in boys’ and girls’ sections (It still irks me that I have to find cool tee-shirts in the boys section because apparently, girls must not like Star Wars). However, my issues with raising her are not the same. In fact, apparently, I have the “easier gender” to deal with when it comes to identity and social norms.
I hope you will be able to find a way to help your son be comfortable with whoever he wants to become, and learn to make his own place in this world despite criticisms and cruelty. It’s not easy, challenging society’s archetype male, and I admire your effort.
So many interesting and thoughtful comments. Great discussion you’ve started! Maybe this is an overly simplistic reaction, but my daughter is around the same age as your son and I think that a lot of what they’re doing is just exploring their world. They don’t know that certain objects and certain actions carry so much societal baggage– heels are feminine, rough play is masculine– they’re just trying it out! He might like the noise your shoes make or the challenge of balancing. I think sometimes society heaps all sorts of deep and hidden meaning onto things that are just not such a big deal. And, if he happens to discover later in life that he feels like his gender identity is different from the norm (should I put norm in parenthesis?)… well, it sounds like he’ll find a mom that loves him and will help him think through those issues.
I whole-heartedly agree! He does not ascribe any social meaning to any of those things. That’s the beauty of it for me. He just takes thing at face value and finds his own value.
Other people do, though. So, do I stop him from enjoying those things to protect him from other people judging him? I dunno…
That is a tough one. I feel sad that this is even an issue when your son is so young. I guess I naively hope that we live in a world where people give kids a little time before they have to fit so neatly and tightly into certain molds.
I wish we lived in that world, too. Truth is, his racial identity has been judged since I was pregnant with him. It’s an ugly reality.
I’m tired and not putting my thoughts down as well as I’d like, but…
First, no one has ever commented in any way about my daughter putting on her Daddy’s shoes. But people are surprised that I own trucks and cars and blocks (really?) even though I ‘only’ have girls.
I remember when my older girl was between 18 months and 2, that differentiating gender was a milestone. Gender is something kids play with. It is a social construct after all. She hates that many of the boys excluded her in preschool because she is a girl. Gender is a huge under current. It informs so much of who we are.
Even outside of gender, how to we respect our children for themselves while guiding them fit into the social world around them. And how do we teach them to stand independent of the social pressure when thats better for them?
Great, great stuff.
My son is a hair short of ten. I didn’t tell him what to play or not play with (provided that it was safe)because I didn’t see any reason to.
I don’t care what his sexual preference is, but I hope that he is heterosexual because life will be much easier for him.
All that being said I figured that over time he would focus on boy stuff and he has. It hasn’t been because people told him to, it was just natural.
But in my experience I have seen a lot of mothers try to influence their boys to behave like girls and I have a problem with that.
There are gender differences that exist and there is nothing wrong with that.
In regard to team sports I don’t care if girls play on the boy’s team as long as the rules aren’t changed.
As someone said earlier there is a natural size and strength differential that exists so sometimes it doesn’t make sense for a girl to play with those kids.
And that rule can be applied to smaller boys too. Life isn’t about everything being fair or equal, never was and never will be.
Sometimes it is ok to celebrate our differences.
I feel strongly about this. About everything related to gender choices I accept what my kids have chosen. My son went through a pink phase where he was WILD about pink (still one of his three favorite colors at 13) and he is profoundly masculine.
My daughter went through a masculine phase: super short hair, the clothes, chains etc… Now she’s back to the occasional skirt and her hair reaches down her back.
All the while I smiled and hugged them and told them I loved them.
But, their sibling did not. This I found interesting. In quiet tones these kids look out for one another, “You shouldn’t wear that to school. You look like a fool.”
My children can hear something from their sibling and go into their room and change and think nothing of it. In fact, they are grateful. They understand their sister (or brother) is just looking out for them. If I said the same thing? Pandemonium.
I would be criticising them, or failing to see the true them, or some other hurtful thing.
My job as mother in these moments (high heels and short/long hair) is to love. I’ll save the critical comments for when they are failing to be kind. Or getting ready to jump a motorcycle off a cliff.
Can I just say what a relief to find someone who actually knows what theyre talking about on the internet. You definitely know how to bring an issue to light and make it important. More people need to read this and understand this side of the story. I cant believe youre not more popular because you definitely have the gift.
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I preferred boys toys as a kid. Who cares. When you are that young, clothes are clothes, a toy is a toy. People read way too much into gender issues these days, especially in young kids. It’s so silly.
Great discussion, Sarah. I had four kids in five years and when they were little they just did what they did – I payed no particular attention to my sons wearing tiaras and my girls playing with trucks. They just played. Now that they’re 14, 13, 11 and 10 they still just play and it’s been a joy to watch them on each of their individual journeys to who they will become. My focus has been on building character and guiding them, not making choices for them.
I think you’re right, that perhaps more of our concerns about gender identity stem more from how society/culture will react, rather than how we feel about it. I will love my kid no matter what, but I tend to want to shelter him from pain, and there is pain in feeling like you don’t fit in. Hopefully, the times, they are-a changin’. (I do think they are a bit, thank God.)
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