My son hit a milestone today; his hair is finally long enough to pull back into a ponytail!! His dad and I have been waiting for this day since his hair’s been long enough to tangle! Cutting it has not been an option for a few reasons, so we’ve been managing with hair picks and detangler and tears and struggles. But now… oh, NOW we can tie it up and keep the tangles away (at least until he’s old enough to sit still for braids).
Anyway, I was super-excited to comb his Don King hairstyle into a bitty sumo bun. He didn’t seem to care about it at all – shockingly, he barely noticed. All was well. 
And then we went out.
In public.
The woman checking us out at one store asked me how old she was and told me that she‘s a very well-behaved child.
This struck me for a few reasons.
- He’s never been called a girl. Ever
- He was wearing blue jogging pants, an orange t-shirt, and white sneakers (with red and blue stripes); for better or worse, not something I’d ever see on my nieces or his girl friends.
I found it interesting that had his hair been down and curly, she would never have called him a girl. This got me thinking… his “gendered hairstyle” trumped his “gendered clothing!” The ponytail influenced her assumptions more than his clothes did.
I didn’t correct her. I’d like to say it was because I didn’t want to embarrass her, but it was actually because I didn’t want her to wonder why I put the poor boy in a ponytail. No mother wants her credentials questioned. It was none of her business, anyway. I don’t really care if she thinks he’s a girl.
Today reminded me of just how arbitrary our society’s binary gender designations are… the slightest alteration and people question, misinterpret, or become confused. The boxes are so small that one little hair elastic changed Q’s gender. Weird.
Hmm. Interesting observation about the hair trumping the clothes. I never really thought about it that way. I suppose it’s similar when I wonder about taking my baby girl outside on hot days in just her diaper. A baby is a baby, right? We live outside of town and somedays it’s just plain a popcicle day, yet I find myself thinking that my neighbors are judging….”That’s a baby girl and she is without a shirt”
It sucks that we worry about people judging our parenting – especially, people we don’t know or don’t like. The people who matter don’t mind.
Nonetheless, my son will sport a ponytail again – and I am sure your daughter will go topless *gasp* on hot days.
I think people just are too stupid sometimes to actually look at a child. They see a little one and base their assumptions on arbitrary details.
Case in point – when my daughter (now 13) was about 18 months, we were out somewhere, and a woman came up and told me that I had a beautiful boy. My daughter was wearing a white flowered outfit with pink trim, and her hair was loose and curly around her head. She was fairly pudgy, but very girly looking. Anyway, I politely told the woman that she was a girl, and the woman insisted that she “looked like a boy” because she was built like one.
Like I said, just too stupid.
One thing’s for certain, as much as we do our best to raise our kids, we can’t help how other people raised theirs. Personally, if I’m in doubt on gender, I keep my comments gender neutral… ‘your child is adorable’, ‘what a cute baby’, and so on. Seems pretty simple, but so few people think before they speak.
Lois – what does “look like a boy” even mean?!
People make assumptions on so little information and even when faced with evidence to the contrary, they cling onto them. SO stupid.
Some people are just clueless really. My daughter would be oufitted in hot pink from head to toe and I would get asked what “HIS” name was, even though she clearly looked like a girl. I just found it odd – and I agree with Shawn above, I never refer to a child’s gender, especially if I’m not 100% sure. I couldn’t deal with hurting the parent or the child.
Funny thing tonight. While reading Magic Tree House: The Dragon King, this exact thing came up. There was a drawing of an ancient Chinese man and he had his hair up in a bun. The story referred to him as “he” and “him”, etc… My daughter, now 5, asked, “Why are they calling her a him?” “That’s a man, sweetie.” “But that’s girl hair.”…
Long (in the world of a five-year-old) conversation about hair, clothes and people can wear/do what they want. Men/boys can have long hair – even ponytails and braids. Women/girls can have short.
It’s amazing what our little sponges pick up.
I also got “He’s so cute!” because a lot of our clothes for our daughter were “boy” clothes. And we’d call her Alex. I can see where people got confused. I’d refer to her as she at some point and they’d feel so bad. I tried to tell them not to worry about it. It’s not a big deal!
My son was mistaken for a she at Pride, because he wanted a rainbow bracelet just like his sister had. They also had on matching Pride shirts.
It’s just amazing how obsessed we as a society are with these gender boxes….
Yeah, they take in more than we know. It scares me when I think about it!
Pretty much since they day my son was born, people have been mentioning his wedding and potential wives, etc. It kinda gets to me ’cause maybe he won’t get married, or maybe he won’t marry a woman, or maybe he will be the woman… who knows? No one knows, but the assumptions of binary gender & heterosexuality strike me. It is so restrictive and binding.
Another great post Sarah. And yes I’m amazed at how my son’s long hair instantly flags him as a girl in some eyes, even it he’s rolling in the dirt and wear a ripped skull shirt and blue shorts.
On the other hand, although I know and think it’s obvious my son is a boy, I can understand that it might not appear so obvious to others, especially young kids. What irks me is the response some people give when they’re corrected, the look of shock or disbelief or the rude ‘oh, I guess it’s time to take him to the barber’ comments. Now those bother me.