Just as I was thinking about writing about fears, the doorbell rang. Ding! It’s a sign. My heart is still racing. When I am home alone (or with just Q), I lock the door and freeze when the doorbell rings. I don’t answer it unless I am expecting someone or a delivery. I am not really sure what I am afraid of, but I have a visceral reaction to the realization that someone is standing on my doorstep.
I have quite a few fears (more than I care to admit, even to myself). I have rational fears and irrational ones. I have discovered that my most irrational fears elicit the most irrational responses and vice versa.
Mind you, I suppose the degree to which my fears are rational is a matter of interpretation.
Nonetheless, I have a rational fear. I have a fear that weighs on me, pulls at my heart, and makes my stomach turn. I am afraid that when my son walks out the door without me, he won’t come back. I know that the odds are in my favour that he’ll return. But, the fear that he won’t nags at me.
I don’t think that I am more capable to protect him than Mr. T is, but having him away from me renders me completely powerless if anything were to happen.
I know why I have this fear. I know how easy it is for someone to leave the house for the most mundane reason – and never return.
Logic tells me that I have no control over any of it, but that is no comfort. I know that this fear does neither of us any good and that it can never prevent me from letting him go on his own, explore this world, and experience it with people other than me.
So, here I will sit… wondering, waiting, hoping, and distracting myself until he returns. I hope with time, this fear with lessen – that one day I can shove him out the door, regardless of risks, and say “Go! Have fun!” and then enjoy the time alone.
Do you share this fear? How do you deal with it?
What are your fears?
I have the same fear. I love that my son’s daddy takes him and does stuff with him on his own (lots of daddies don’t), but I don’t like knowing that something could happen and I can’t be there to either prevent it or be there for him to comfort him. Very scary. But again, I let him go because I have to for both of us!
Honestly I don’t. But I don’t think it’s an irrational fear. I think more moms feel this than one would think.
But I do have this fear about Jay leaving and never coming back. Isn’t that weird? I don’t worry about my children, but I do my husband.
That’s not to say I don’t have other fears where my children are concerned. Because I work out of the home I have a very irrational fear that they won’t be attached enough to me, that our bond is weakened by the fact that I’m not there for them. It’s a weird push-pull because I also understand how well they thrive in day care.
The key I think is knowing that the fears can’t consume us and taking steps to avoid that happening. You know that you’ll have to let him go, he needs to feel free to do them without worrying for you. That’s key, it’s all wrapped up and so hard to do.
Very honest post Sarah! Thanks for sharing.
Oh yes! Though I too have many fears, this one? KILLS me. Just this morning, I sent my little pumpkin off with her dad for a full day road trip. I’ll be worried until dinner time. I try to worry less but I just… Can’t.
It is so hard not to worry – so hard. I know that probability is on my side, but it is little comfort. When I am with him, I know how and where he is.
It’s not an irrational fear at all. Yesterday I wrote a comment on ‘My Fluffy Bunnies’ blog about the time that my husband and son got into a serious car accident and my son suffered a head injury. He is fine now, thankfully, but believe it or not I still don’t worry (much) when my hubby takes the kids out. I feel thankful to have alone time and glad that the kids are bonding with their daddy. I can’t let the unimaginable (or not-so-unimaginable) get to me, because there’s nothing we can do about it anyway.
But, being alone in the house? Totally scary. I am especially afraid when I take a shower and no one else is home. I think it’s because when I was little, I had a sleepover and we secretly watched ‘Psycho’. That shower scene has haunted me ever since!
Wow, Shannon! What a nightmare that must have been for you. My step-dad left the house 3 years ago, fell on the sidewalk and never came home; he died of a catastrophic head injury.
It is so easy to lose someone, and since it has happened so close to home, I know it can happen to anyone. Scary.
I guess the trick is to not focus on the negative possibility, but on the positive probability.
I’m sorry to hear about your step-dad… that is a really tragic story.
Focusing on the positive probability… I like that.
Thanks, Shannon. It was rough.
Yeah – I’m going to remember that one too; it came to me in an a-ha moment.
A friend of mine fears that something will happen to her and her son will be left without a mom. I’m not sure where these fears come from. I don’t fear these kinds of things; I don’t think I let my mind go there. I did often worry that something would happen to my husband, though. Once I had kids, that dissipated, but every once in a while, it rears its ugly head…. Yes, that is probably my biggest fear, to have loved so much and lost.
When I was a kid (somewhere between ages 9 and 15 I suppose) my parents would let me stay home alone during the summer. Not every day, but some days. My little brother and sister went to daycare, but I got to be independent, doing what I want all day. We lived on a farm in the country, and I was so afraid of anyone driving up our driveway! Not that many people stopped – and they were almost always extended family or neighbors I knew. I remember one day hiding in the bathroom until the UPS guy left, just because I didn’t want to unlock the door.
Beyond this, the fears we feel as an adult are often different than our childhood fears. I don’t have kids yet, but Husband and I often talk about how that would present new fears. Like being a single parent if something happened to him – that is so frightening.