But, why?
I am a why person. I guess I never out-grew that as a child. Maybe it was because my parents never discouraged why, why, why? In fact, they encouraged it. When we were old enough to read, my parents told us to “look it up,” which led to a love of reading (and stacks of encyclopedias in our bedrooms that served as bedtime stories).
I think that as adults, our focus shifts from why to how.
We feel the need to fix things and improve situations but don’t fully examine why the situation exists in the first place. I like to strip problems down to their cores – that is how I operate in my personal and professional lives. If you ask why enough times, eventually you get to the root of the problem. Often though, the root is so hard to fix and we’d rather bury it in band-aids.
I have noticed this more since I’ve become a mother. There are so many people telling us how, but so few telling us why. We get so preoccupied with how to parent, we forget why we parent.
Why do we parent?
When I step back and think about why I parent, I do a better job. I listen better. I hear better. I show more respect. I am more patient.
My son depends on us for so many things, but he is not ours. He is not a possession or a toy or an experiment. He is a human being. Just like me. He deserves the same amount of respect that I would offer any adult. If he is tired, he sleeps. If he is hungry, he eats. If he is crying, he is comforted.
I parent because I am responsible for him, his life, his happiness, his sense of security, his sense of worth, his safety, his well-being.
I parent because I want my son to treat others with kindness and respect.
I parent because maybe, just maybe, through him I can add something of value to this world I know. I can know that I have made every effort through him to make this world a better place – just by him being a part of it.
There are so many people who are quick to tell me how to parent – what I should be doing and the right way to do it. I am not really interested. I don’t dwell on sleep schedules and eating routines – he knows his needs and he will make them known. He is the expert on him. I will trust his instincts as well as my own.
No, I want to focus my energy on teaching him, doing things with him, and just being with him.
Once I figure out the why, the how will follow.
Why do you parent?
May 4th, 2010 at 6:08 am
I parent because my children are wonderful beings. Because they teach me a lot about myself. And because it makes me smile, laugh, cry, sob, and ask questions.
I love this post. Shout it from the rooftops!!
(Visiting from SITS. Happy Tuesday!)
May 4th, 2010 at 11:15 am
Thanks! I am so glad that you stopped by!
Yes! I learn so much from my son – about me, about life…
May 4th, 2010 at 7:17 am
This is a really great point. The “why” helps you gain perspective. We live in such an information age and want to know “the right way” to do something (at least, I do), that we forget what we’re working toward.
I parent because I want to share the love I feel in my heart, and I want to raise little people that have great character and see all the beauty that exists in the world, amidst the pain.
Thanks for this, Sarah!
May 4th, 2010 at 11:13 am
Perspective! …funny how that word keeps popping up on my blog as of late. So true – the why brings us back.
May 4th, 2010 at 9:36 am
Great post Sarah. Some of the stuff we were talking about the other day.
I parent because I want to raise my sons to be good people, who respect and love those around them. I parent so that they will grow up to be individuals who know themselves and their self worth. I parent so that they may one day grow up and leave the nest and feel the confidence to so.
We all parent in different ways and the how is always different. But hopefully the why is somewhat similar and we can all raise wonderful children.
May 4th, 2010 at 10:33 am
Beautiful!
“We all parent in different ways and the how is always different. But hopefully the why is somewhat similar and we can all raise wonderful children.” That is so true…
I don’t want to forget the why… that is where the perspective lies.
May 4th, 2010 at 11:08 am
And, yes! It does sound vaguely (or almost exactly) like a conversation we’ve had recently (and often). I am so glad to have a like-minded mother like you as a friend – it makes is so easy to not feel like I’m being judged or questioned.
May 4th, 2010 at 12:11 pm
You always set me to thinking. I think I’m a how person. It never occured to me to be a why person, though I think I naturally parent like one. The “how” that others describe or that I sometimes read about in parenting books is often not relevant. Though sometimes the how provides helpful strategies, sometimes the how helps us find our way to the why. Gosh, that’s a tongue twister. At any rate, my parenting style is a little different than yours. I understand completely what you are saying and in principle I agree. I treat my children as people with their own needs and desires and personalities, and believe in respecting those things. But I think as they get older they need more firm guidance, but also firm decision-making on their behalf. My oldest would stay up until all hours every night for example if I let him, but that wouldn’t be healthy. It’s not about control, I think there is a difference and I also think the difference comes from their individual personalities. Sometimes they don’t know their needs, they only know they want to respond to their wants. All this to say that I think it’s a blend. And I hope my comment isn’t too convoluted.
May 4th, 2010 at 1:46 pm
Not convoluted. I hear what your are saying and I agree. I don’t parent by a clock, though. Q makes his needs known to me – by rubbing his eyes, getting crabby, crying for no apparent reason – all those things tell me that he’s tired. Sometimes, it’s a little after his usual naptime and sometimes it is before. I discovered that once I started paying attn to his cues and signs and listening to his needs, he became more and more predictable. I could almost set a clock by his sleeping patterns. The less I tried to impose on him, the more routine he developed on his own.
He needs guidance and guidelines. Putting him to bed when he’s tired is in his best interest (even if he doesn’t think so at the time). I have to keep him safe and set boundaries about things he doesn’t understand. But in so doing, I have to remember that he needs to make the decisions that he is capable of – and that at his age, he has no concept of clock time and neither does his body.
May 4th, 2010 at 12:40 pm
This is such a touching POV. I’m not yet a parent, but I often think about all the good my baby will do in and for my life once s/he arrives, and how much I have to learn from him/her.
May 4th, 2010 at 1:31 pm
I love this. Yes, as parents we do tend to dwell on the how instead of the why. It’s important to remember that if we figure out the why first, the how will most likely come naturally. Thanks for this!
May 4th, 2010 at 10:47 pm
Hi there stopping by from SITS. Loved reading your post here. The How WILL follow, you are correct. Why is such a crazy complex question when it comes from an adult rather than a two year old. I have a two year and a half year old and I only wish my brain worked as simply as hers. All well.
Anyway on the topic of Motherhood, I have a fun little Q & A on my blog. Stop on by and if you want link up. The link will be open all week. It’s been fun getting to know other moms this way. Cheers to Motherhood and Have a happy Mother’s day in case you don’t come by
Rebecca @
The Blessings of Modern Domestication
May 5th, 2010 at 9:35 am
I am so glad yout stopped by, Rebecca! My son has just started asking ‘why’ – makes me stop and think and figure it out sometimes.
You’re right – why is complex – we are so good at complicating things!
May 5th, 2010 at 9:26 am
What a great post! I love it and I’m thinking of a my answer to your question. I think I parent my son because God has trusted me enough to raise this small little person and to help him grow up to be a much better person than his Mommy but in the process he ended up teach me a lot of things too so it’s a two way streets. He taught me to sit back and relax and live in the moment, to savor the little things me as a going going mommy sometimes forget. Great post, Sarah I totally love it!
May 5th, 2010 at 9:33 am
Thanks, Maureen!
May 5th, 2010 at 10:16 am
Hi Sarah – this is such a great question, one I’ve truly never considered before. I parent because I feel that my son is the greatest blessing of my life. It’s easy to forget when he’s driving me crazy being a typical 3 year old, but when I stop to think of it, I am honestly awed by the privilege of being his mother. I parent because I feel I have to do my very best to help him realize all his talents and potential (whatever those may be) so that he can make a contribution to this world. I parent because I believe that teaching him values like integrity, kindness, and respect for himself and others can go a long way towards making the world a better place.
Thank you for such a thought-provoking post, and thank you for your comment on my blog that led me here!
May 5th, 2010 at 10:24 am
Welcome, Jamie! I am so glad you stopped by and took the time to read and comment.
May 5th, 2010 at 11:15 am
I get so frustrated when I’m told ‘how’ but not ‘why.’ I often worry about people who just take ‘how’ advice at face value, instead of asking ‘why’ they’re doing it, or if they could do it better.
Well said